How does a Betrayed Partner Navigate the News that their Sex Addict Partner has Contracted an Incurable STD?

Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In episode 248, Mark & Steve tackle an extremely intense and heart-breaking submission by a betrayed partner. Here's what she submitted—

I have listened to many of your podcast episodes. An area I wish you would do an episode on is how is a spouse to handle it when your porn addicted/SA husband comes home and discloses (not the first time in our marriage) that he has been acting out for several years and contracted an STD. How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can’t see ever having an intimate relationship with him. However, we have built a great life (other than his sexual addiction) over our 20+ year marriage. He shows remorse, is in therapy as am I. We have not had a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure yet but it’s coming. There are a lot of aspects I’m struggling with but would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. Sincerely, Heartbroken Spouse.
Our hearts go out to this betrayed partner! In too many ways, the consequences and fallout are not only devastating upon disclosure, but also create an ongoing traumatic nightmare!

• There are serious, long-term and permanent medical implications at play with this example which we are not going to tackle here.
  • IT IS CRITICAL that this couple, if they haven’t already, seek immediate medical testing and treatment, as well as education regarding the issues at play and their long-term implications.
• What this is like for betrayed partners?
  • The compounding effects of ”Complex Trauma”—trickled disclosure, “bomb dropping”
  • A “painful paradox”—facing the devastation & realities of disclosure and PAST/ONGOING trauma while at the same time—”We have built a great life over our 20+ years of marriage”
  • What is authentic for her going forward—her wants and her needs; what is she willing to do and not do; VERY SPECIFIC BOUNDARIES around this!
• What is this like for the porn/sex addict?
  • WHEN the addict is ALL in and doing the WORK, the CONSEQUENCES & OUTCOMES of his past choices do NOT magically go away! In some ways, this process actually INTENSIFIES!
  • How does he PROACTIVELY meet his betrayed partner’s authentic wants & needs; provide as much safety as is possible; be TRANSPARENT about his work; his learning; his progress; PROACTIVE PLANS he puts together and presents–LEAD OUT!
  • What is he willing or not willing to “sacrifice” for this to work going forward?
• When these two worlds COLLIDE—Addiction & Ongoing Trauma—how can a Couple navigate this?!
  • Be mindful of the tendency to reactively make BIG decisions in the midst of intense emotion BEFORE the recovery & healing processes have had a truly fair chance to unfold, progress and bring about positive change.
  • Create as safe a space as possible for OPEN, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION & DIALOGUE—NOT avoiding, minimizing, care-taking, shutting down, etc., to escape sitting in and talking about the HARD
  • Although CRAZY HARD in the midst of addiction & betrayal, TEMPORARILY pushing a “pause” button and “sitting in a state of grace” while the small, progressive steps in the process unfold.
  • Then, having done “all” you feel you can, coming together to ask, “Are we compatible”? Can we “get” to compatibility? HOW?
  • This will, due to the ongoing nature of the issues, NEED TO BE AN ONGOING DISCUSSION, with appropriate medical and mental health professionals involved.

For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/how-does-a-betrayed-partner-navigate-the-news-that-their-sex-addict-partner-has-contracted-an-incura