ep 58 | 10 Ways to Handle Toxic People This Thanksgiving

But Still, She Thrives - Narcissistic Abuse, Toxic Relationships, Grey Rock Method, Healthy Boundaries, Childhood Abuse, Trauma Healing

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TRANSCRIPT

Speaker 1: (00:00)
Welcome to, but still she thrives. I'm very excited about this episode. Um, I love this because I have so much to say about it. Hopefully I won't blab on too long. I'll try to keep it under 20. But we're gonna talk about tips on dealing with toxic people, abusive people, narcissists, whatever you wanna call it, all under the same umbrella of jackasses. Basically during the holiday season, we're gonna talk about Thanksgiving because that's what is happening this week. I'm getting a lot of questions about what do I do? I have to see this person. So if you're forced to see someone, we will talk about that. And I have one big tip coming up right after this little intro.
Speaker 1: (00:50)
Hey, Queens, welcome to, but still she thrives. Do you wanna stop getting caught up in that wicked web of a creepy crawling narcissist? You find yourself up late at night replaying the abuse you put up with and wondering how you can heal Now, do you wake up hoping for healthy relationships and peace only to feel totally exhausted? And mind ed, girl, I see you. I'm Christy. I too had to disconnect from toxic people in my life and I wished I could undo the damage. I felt ashamed, lonely, and kind of lost. But I'm a stubborn Italian and I refuse to give up. I found ways to recalibrate my mind and body more quickly than I thought and can now share them with you. In this podcast, you will find coping tools, healing methods, and confidence boosters so you can trust yourself and find peace and freedom. So shields up ladies, let's go protect our peace.
Speaker 1: (01:48)
Okay, my first major tip, this is like not included in the 10. Um, overall, I just wanna say to you, give yourself permission to not have to put up with just because someone is a family member or a longtime friend. Okay? I know especially when we're younger, we feel like we don't have that control. If you're under 18, you're under your parents' thumb. Um, I have stuff to say about that as well, but especially when you have reached a certain age of adulthood where you are allowed to make your own decisions, sometimes you don't feel like you can, but I'm here to tell you you can. And if you have that strength to go against the grain to be the black sheep, which I have become in ways and that's okay in my own family, it has brought me so much peace. Not feeling like, oh, I have to do this because it's a family member, I have to put up with X, Y, Z 'cause it's a family member.
Speaker 1: (02:51)
The freedom that came with realizing I don't have to and living the life where I don't put up with it and I don't tolerate it. And I disconnect from anyone who's abusive to me has been the biggest growth leap of my life and is how I am here now doing what I do for business. So it's been an awesome journey. But let's dive into the tips. If you are going to be around people that are not so great, toxic, abusive, narcissist, all of the above. First of all, you need to set boundaries, right? So this can be you're actually defining your boundaries or you have them in your head and you know what's going on with them. So if someone crosses that boundary, then you at least know I have this boundary, it's been crossed, and then you go to actually doing something about it.
Speaker 1: (03:45)
You have to decide what feels comfortable for you. I know a lot of us that have attracted abusers or narcissists are empathetic. We have big hearts. We put up with some. We can be people pleasers in many ways, especially with those type of people. But I'm here to tell you, if you don't, if you can't get outta this situation and you're having to just set boundaries instead saying firmly that they have done something that is not okay, you have full permission to do that and be specific about what you find unacceptable, right? Um, so instead of saying something like, you know, I don't really like your behavior, it could be like, you know, um, I really don't like you putting me down so if you put me down again, I'm going to X, Y, Z, right? This has, I've used in my own family where someone used to yell at me all the time and I said, you know, I don't tolerate being yelled at anymore.
Speaker 1: (04:45)
That's just not a thing I do. So if it happens again, I will get up and walk away or I will hang up the phone or whatever it is. I'm imagining these scenarios for Thanksgiving, a lot of them being in person. So you have to do what you have to do. But so you kind of, you know, think about what your boundaries are. If you know a certain person always picks on you and jabs at you or whatever in front of the whole family, let's say, right? That was another person in my family always would pick on me of course at holidays in front of everybody and knew what spots to poke, right? They grew up with me so they knew exactly what would really, really hit me and hurt me. And they did it really for enjoyment 'cause they're sick in the head. So I did not like that.
Speaker 1: (05:33)
I didn't do anything about it. I just, you know, oh, because if I did, if I said anything or I got offended, it was like, oh, you are just sensitive. I'm just joking, right? So what you could say in that situation, if a person is like that, so you kind of are prepared for that. You can say, look, your jokes aren't funny. I don't find them entertaining, I don't like them. Please don't do that anymore. And if you do, I'm going to whatever your action is going to be. When a narcissist is in the spotlight specifically, this could go for anyone who's kind of likes to be in control and you say, look, this is how you're treating me and I don't like it. And you're in front of everybody like that. They don't want a negative light shown on them. They might make a joke or whatever, kind of dismiss it and put you down, but they may be careful to not do it again because you've spoken it, you've shone a light on it and said this is not okay and I won't tolerate that.
Speaker 1: (06:33)
Right? So it can be effective. Another thing to try to do is stay calm. Toxic people may try to provoke that reaction, right? I was talking about, that's what one of my closest narcs did to me is important though to stay calm and composed, right? They want you to react, they want to get that reaction out of you. So responding with anger or frustration could escalate it and actually helps them feel even more in control, right? So just taking deep breaths and focusing on maintaining your composure. Don't stoop to their level. And as I always say, don't take the bait, right? If it gets pushed to the point that you wanna set those boundaries out loud or you feel like you need to, you can also though, keep in mind setting boundaries can be somebody says something that jabs you. You, you stay calm and you just say, oh, I have to make a phone call.
Speaker 1: (07:34)
Get up, get out of the room. Right? Like, if you want to remove yourself from the situation, that's okay. I did that before I disconnected from the narcissist in my life. He had said some really stuff to me. Of course it was Christmas Eve 'cause it's no better time than the holidays to try to on someone in front of the whole family. So that's what he was doing. And I got upset and I held it in. I didn't, I was like, even at that point I was like, I don't want him to let, I don't want him to know he's gotten to me this much. He doesn't deserve that. And I, so I just took some breaths, I stood up and I just said, I'm not feeling well. Walked out, went to the basement, calmed down in the room, got myself together, came back, and then we'll get to what another tactic is in a minute.
Speaker 1: (08:32)
Actually, we'll just go. It's a good segue. Redirected the conversation, right? Oh, sorry. Hmm. My stomach was a little whatever. Oh, you know, that's probably 'cause I had, uh, eight cups of ice cream earlier. What's your favorite ice cream grandpa, right? Redirecting the conversation. If it turns negative, redirect it. They're gonna look like bigger and bigger. The more they try to not treat you well. So if you do shine the light on it, they'll look like an if they keep poking. And if you try to redirect the conversation and they keep putting it back on you, it's gonna look obvious to other people. And other people hopefully would, uh, join in, in trying to help redirect the conversation or standing up for you. Sometimes we're in families that don't stand up for ourselves and that's why we have different options, like being able to walk away, you know, staying calm.
Speaker 1: (09:24)
The other thing is choosing your battle. So not every situation requires a confrontation, right? Because if you're in a toxic family environment, especially that you've been in, there's probably a dynamic of there's this toxic person who's just beaten you down, but maybe you stand up for yourself or maybe it's you just started to stand up for yourself recently. You finally feel empowered and emboldened enough to be like, you know what? You're a and I think you're a narcissist, right? Like, it could explode. Not every situation, especially when your family get togethers, requires that like boom, blast, right? Decide which are actually worth addressing and which ones you can just try to nama stay your way out of. I highly suggest meditating before Thanksgiving, but sometimes it's better to disengage. Like I said, don't take the bait. They love you to react. The more you are a gray rock.
Speaker 1: (10:23)
I don't know if you haven't heard this term, you need to go listen to my episode. I wish I knew it offhand. I'll try to remember to put it in the show notes. Or you can look up just my podcast with Gray Rock Method or Gray Rock. It is basically a method you use if you have to be in touch with a narcissist to act as if you are a gray rock. That means blending in. That means not standing out. That means not giving a reaction. That means not getting emotional because that's all the things they want. And that they feel control when they have, when they get those things. So when they get a reaction, when they get you riled up and they see they're causing you angst and anger or whatever, all of that makes them feel more and more powerful. And it continues the cycle, right?
Speaker 1: (11:11)
If you're in a confrontation, you're gonna be cycling back and forth with this. So choose your battles and don't take the bait, okay? And limiting the interaction if possible. Limit your interactions. If you are having a lovely feast, try to sit as far as you can from them. If there's, you know, more than a few people try to sit at the other end of the table. Um, if you have to be near them, you can still try to really direct the conversation to other people trying not to have the one-on-one conversation. And again, if they try to, you know, if you are one of the ones that they really like to suck into their web, then if they're trying to suck you in, try to crawl yourself back out and redirect the conversation. Like we talked in the earlier earlier tip. So the other thing have an exit plan. We kind of touched on this, but if it becomes too difficult, have a plan to leave the gathering if necessary.
Speaker 1: (12:19)
I actually did this one story time with Christie. Um, someone got so rude and even used really horrible language that was not okay to me and I luckily had my own transportation to get out of there. So maybe skip that ride with your sibling or your parent. Take your own vehicle if possible so that if you need to leave, if it escalates or it just is so under your skin, you can't stand it. You can say, Ooh, I got a really bad headache. Whatever. Make up whatever you have, white lies are fine. When you're dealing with toxic Emma FFAs and get out of there, you have to remember, you need to protect your peace. You can't worry about what everyone else thinks. You just can't. Like, that is not part of what life is about. Yes, helping others, loving others, all of that great stuff about other people, yes, I'm all about that.
Speaker 1: (13:23)
One thing I'm not about is tolerating any type of abuse. Um, just so you don't feel awkward to somebody else, right? Like, or you're worried what someone will think. We've got to rewire that part of our brain that says we have to put up with X, Y, Z because there's no, because there's no reason and there's no situation where you need to sit and tolerate this type of behavior. So have an exit plan. I'm giving you full permission, okay? I'm validating your feeling that maybe you wish you could, but you don't think you can. I'm telling you, you can. The world is not gonna explode if you leave a gathering. I've left one. I'm still here and I'm actually thriving because of it. It was a moment in my life where I stood up to somebody who I had been terrified of and said, I'm not doing this anymore.
Speaker 1: (14:23)
And I got up and I walked out and that type of behavior changed my life forever. So I see you, I am here with you. I'm holding your hand. We are skipping out that door if they get too nasty, you hear me . If they get nasty at all, let's bolt together. Here's one that you know I'm a big advocate for is gratitude. And it is Thanksgiving. So it should be on our minds. And if you can muster up taking the breath and thinking about what you're grateful for, not that toxic person in our life, we're not gonna be thankful for them. But let's be thankful that we are not them. Let's be thankful for knowing we have the power to make decisions, to walk away. If we have to be grateful for your strength, the fact you're listening to this podcast, be grateful that you have the self-awareness you do, and the desire to grow and to have a better, more peaceful, happier life, right?
Speaker 1: (15:29)
There's so many things to be grateful for. So in those moments, if you can go inward, if you can take a breath, if you need to walk away and focus on three things you're grateful for, that can really shift your mood to maybe you have a awesome family member that is gonna be there or friend or a spouse that's with you. And that leads us to the next thing seeking support. Is there anybody there that is on your side, right? In some toxic families, there's a bunch of enablers to the toxic person and you feel like you're an island. That sucks. If that's a situation, you might have to find support when you leave and call a friend phone a friend, . But if you have somebody there that you can seek support from, maybe you just grab your spouse's hand under the table and just hold it and have that gratitude.
Speaker 1: (16:21)
Or maybe you say, Hey Suze, can you help me in the kitchen? I'm gonna get some pie. And you just have a moment with her and just say, can you just, if she knows the situation, right? You could just say, can you just be here with me for a moment? I just need a minute and I just need to feel support, whatever you have to do. But confiding in a supportive family member, having someone that knows your situation and it can help you kind of process the situation. Maybe you just wanna have a couple words. They could give you a couple words of encouragement or this could be going into the event like, you know, not actually when you're walking in, but beforehand the day before. If you wanna talk to someone close, that can just kind of give you a little morale boost. I'm all about not having to be in these situations if you don't have to, but if you are in that situation, you feel like you have to go, you have to be there in your mind.
Speaker 1: (17:23)
I can't change that right now. I'd like to try, but you can go in knowing that you have the support of somebody. Okay? The next thing is self-care. I'm all about that. Self-care life. This could be anything. Whatever brings you joy, whatever brings you peace. Maybe it's meditation, maybe it's the yoga, all the woowoo, or maybe it's just a nice bubble bath, getting your nails done, going for a run. Um, I'm currently doing bar class and I feel really good after that. So if I were going into a situation, little storm, I may go do some exercise before to just kind of clear my energy, right? And you can do it after as well. So any type of self-care that can look like a million different things. You know, what makes you feel good doing something leading up to it. And especially afterwards, if you've had kind of a show and need to shake those heebie-jeebies off, you know, go for a run, have a nice bath, indulge in some delicious apple pie ice cream.
Speaker 1: (18:28)
I am totally speaking from experience last night. It was delicious. I actually had no reason to need to self-care. I didn't have a bad situation leading up to it, but it was delicious and I don't regret it. All right? Last, but definitely not least, if you're dealing with toxic people and it becomes persistent, consider seeking advice from a therapist or someone like yours truly over here that has dealt with a lot of narcissistic abuse experience and research and knowledge, education, all of that good stuff. So we can provide guidance on coping strategies and helping you navigate the challenging family dynamics because it goes far wide and deep. There is so many, there's just so many layers, especially when it's in your family. And when multiple people are involved in that dynamic, it's not just like you have one person that may be toxic, there's usually enablers or other victims or, um, you know, if you have disconnected or if you've had, uh, an issue with a toxic person, they may smear your name to other family members.
Speaker 1: (19:47)
It, it can really impact your mental and physical wellbeing. So I love helping people that are going through it, work through it quickly. That is, I think, my specialty. I'm discovering the quickness that I can help people move through this stuff is pretty awesome. And I, that's why I do it because I'm like, I've gotten all this knowledge, all this experience, I have gotten myself from A to B and I'm in this peaceful, joyful life and I have boundaries and I know how to navigate and I have coping skills and I just want to help anybody I freaking can because no one should have to live how I used to feel. Nobody. And if you're feeling like that, please reach out. I have the ways to work with me in my podcast, you know, show notes over there, whatever you wanna call 'em. Description, show notes.
Speaker 1: (20:43)
Um, and my email is always there. It's fierce mamay at Gmail, but it's always in the show notes too. So reach out. Let me help you because this stuff is not easy. And I could not have walked the path alone when I was on my journey of dealing with this and, and realizing what it was and trying to get out. Then once I was out, I still really needed support to get the coping skills and, you know, grow in a way that was comfortable but also quick. 'cause I don't like to, I don't like to spend a whole lot of time on the past. Yes, it's important to know what's happened in the past and to navigate that. But what is more important to me is I'm here now. How can I cope now? What can I do to the damage that's been done? What can I do to help my nervous system and what can I do moving forward?
Speaker 1: (21:41)
Not just to like heal, but to actually thrive. That's why my podcast is called, but still she thrives because I don't wanna settle for just healing. I want to thrive. I want to help women thrive, right? So if you're ready to thrive, hit me up. Let's work together and good luck with all those toxic, narcissist, abusive, whatever is out there, good luck navigating them this Thanksgiving, this holiday season, I will be doing more episodes about this because it is real the holiday season full of narcissists and toxic people. So I want to give you a big warm hug. You got this. But if you need extra support, let me know. Reach out to me and see you in the next episode, next Tuesday and every Tuesday on your favorite podcast platforms. Like all of them. I think I'm on all of them. I don't know if I know all of 'em, all of them. Should I say all of them again? Alright, see you guys. Smooches and Mooches and I love you. Ps I totally went past 20 minutes as anticipated. I was trying, I was trying, but we're about to hit 22 and Sea Crest out.