DEEP DIVE: Is Comparing Our Kids Ever Useful?

What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

We're doing a "Deep Dive" into our past episodes on birth order and how it can shape both kids' personalities and their relationships with their siblings. Find the rest of the episodes in this deep dive series in this Spotify playlist.

Why is it siblings so often seem to be total opposites?

If we notice that and lean into comparisons, are we bad parents?

And if our kids really are completely different, are they choosing those divergent paths on purpose? Yes and no. Here's why kids in the same family can turn out so differently, and what it means for us as we parent them.

In this episode we discuss:

• The definition of "adaptive divergence"
• The difference between knowing our kids and comparing them
• Why each of our children, even in the same household, grow up in their own "micro environments"

At the end of the day, we're wired to compare our kids as naturally as breathing. And instead of punishing ourselves for doing so, noticing when we do it and why is a good start. Even if you think you already know everything about your kids, keep your data intake sheets open!

Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode:

• Lynn Berger for Mother Mag: "How (Not To) Compare Your Children"
• Dr. Frank Sulloway: "Why Siblings Are Like Darwin’s Finches: Birth Order, Sibling Competition, and Adaptive Divergence within the Family"
• Jensen, Alexander C et al. in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence: “Parents' Social Comparisons of Siblings and Youth Problem Behavior: A Moderated Mediation Model.”
• Sheryl Ziegler for The Tot: "Why raising your kids differently is actually a good thing"

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