15. Transform Your Thoughts with the Enneagram. Overcome Type 9 Peacemaker Struggles"

Not So Normal Parenting

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this episode could transform your life! I speak from personal experience because the practice I am going to tell you about changed mine. This will be the first of an Enneagram series where I talk about the struggles of all nine types, how those struggles effect our thoughts and feelings and then how you can reframe the thoughts and coach your children to do the same.

I started a podcast in mid April 2024 called Not So Normal Parenting. There are some episodes there that are not on this channel so check it out if you are a fan of Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. You can also grab a copy of my best selling book ebtitled Your Child’s Inner Drive: Parenting by Personality from Toddlers toTeens. I was a facilitator for team building and realized I could use these amazing tools with my own family team since I was parenting a son and daughter who were as different as Bob Ross and the Black Widow, you can check out my interview with them on the channel. My daughter is an ISTP type 8, my son is an ISFJ Type 9 and I am an ENFJ Type 4. Since parents are like the Ceo’s of their fmily, I work with them to help them see the connections and disconnections in their brain wiring.Parenting isn’t intuitive if you have kids who are your opposites! You can check out my work, blog and get a free child temperament test at WendyGossett.com

Did you know you have over 60,000 thoughts every single day buzzing around your head? That's a lot to keep track of! Some of us are completely unaware of what is going on inside of our head. This is unwise, considering the fact that our thoughts create our feelings and our feelings determine our actions. In fact, all your emotions, good, bad, happy and sad are 100% generated by your thoughts. Your unconscious thoughts are sort of like an unsupervised West Highland White terrior in a closet full of shoes and flip flops. Oh that example sounds sort of specific? That’s because my Westie, Milo, loved to chew and sever the toe piece of all our flip flops. All I needed to do was to be aware of where the flip flops were at all times, even in the middle of summer; and where Milo was, even though he was a crazy puppy with Zoomies, so that the destruction did not occur. Not an easy task! Just like being aware of all 60,000 thoughts every day is not easy either. In episode 12 and 3 I give an introduction to an amazing tool for growing human potential called the Enneagram. This tool is dependent upon thought awareness. Why? Because being aware and then reframing your thought patterns is the single most powerful way to change your life for the better! Later in this episode I am going to give very specific examples of what a type 9 Peacemaker parent’s mind struggles with, how these thoughts negatively effect their feelings and how the thoughts can be reframed to turn the feeling around. I will then teach any parent how to coach their type 9 child using powerful questions generated by the Enneagram.

Love this lady, love this podcast!

Wendy Gossett speaks with such honesty and says it like it is!! I love how real she is and how open her family is to helping others understand one another. I have never heard such powerful insight into how we operate as unique individuals. After reading Wendy’s book “Your Child’s Inner Drive” and working with Wendy To better appreciate the personalities of my children, we have so much more peace and unity in our family relationships!! I can now honor my teens for who they are and how God created them instead of feel frustrated by our differences. I am so happy she now has a podcast so I can continue to get a dose of her wisdom and teaching! May everyone be blessed as they learn this life giving tool for all relationships.

William James a philosopher and psychologist, regarded as one of the most influential figures in the development of modern psychology said that. "The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind." - William James

My thought patterns were extremely damaging and involved comparison and shame. I will do an entire episode on the Type 4 and Type 3 which are my main types, but in a nutshell, These thoughts caused me to feel depressed and since a Type 4 fixates on their feelings, I could go into a funk that was hard to shake. But I began the practice of being conscious of my thoughts, taking every thought captive and reframing those thoughts to God’s truth about how He sees me.

So, here's is how you can begin to supervise those thoughts that are zooming around in your head. Begin by simply asking yourself, "What am I thinking?" on a regular basis. It's like a little mental check-in that can make a really big difference. You can also let your feelings tell you when to check in on your thoughts. If all of a sudden you begin to feel a tightening in your chest or a twisting in your gut, it is time to press rewind on your thoughts and ask yourself what negative thought created the negative feeling. The Enneagram gives all of us clues into what these negative thoughts might be so they are easier to recognize and bring into consciousness. I am going to do 8 more episodes for every type, to uncover the biggest struggle of each and all the thoughts that revolve around it.

If you have never done this before, I challenge you to keep a thought journal for a week. When you ask yourself the question, “What am I thinking?” grab a pen and paper and let your thoughts flow. Write whatever comes to mind without stopping, no filtering, just get it all out. It will be sort of like cleaning out your closet. What are the thoughts you want to wear and what are the thoughts that need to get bagged up and sent to Goodwill or sold on Ebay if you have clothes that someone else would actually want. My Lululemon wearers know! I still don’t wear Lulu even though I get a 30% discount for being a fitness instructor. So purge your mind of the negative thoughts so you can make room for the new positive ones you are going to create. So the first question to ask is “What am I thinking?”

Next up, ask yourself, "Why am I choosing to think this?" This helps you realize that it's not your circumstances that are forcing you feel a certain way, it's your thoughts about those circumstances. Sometimes, our reasons for thinking certain thoughts are a bit off-base, so this question can help straighten things out. The Enneagram tells us what are well worn unconscious thought patterns are. In episode 3 and 12, we talk about the fixations of each type which can also help you identify these unconscious habitual thought patterns. SO again, the second question is, “Why am I choosing to think this?”

Next,, check in with yourself and ask, "How does this thought feel?" Pay attention to your emotions because they're little warning lights, sort of like “the low fuel light in your car” telling you if a thought is helpful or not. If it doesn't feel good, maybe it's time to let go or reframe that thought.

And again, if you're feeling a bit off but not sure why, ask yourself, "What's the thought behind this feeling?" It's a sneaky way to peek into your mind and understand what's really going on in there.

Oh, and here's a powerful one: "How do I want to feel?" Reminding yourself that you're in control of your feelings by choosing your thoughts can be a game-changer. Knowing how you want to feel can kickstart some serious action, even if it's just changing your mindset.

So let’s dive into what this looks like for a Type 9 parent or a Type 9 child or spouse. Type Nines are Peacemakers so their false identity is that they are never in conflict. They fixate on the external world around them, seeing every little detail, so they don’t have to focus on their internal, less than peaceful thoughts. A Type 9’s struggle is sloth. You know sloth, like the adorable cousin of the anteater that moves really slooooow. Sloth is not laziness but more a hesitation to take action, driven by their desire for harmony. They may procrastinate or avoid decisions that could disrupt peace. Think of them as easygoing and chill, but sometimes slow to start on big tasks. They're not lazy; they just prefer to avoid conflict and maintain balance. Here are some negative thoughts the Type 9 Peacemaker in your life might have:

Type Nine Negative Thoughts:

• "My opinions and desires don't matter as much as others'."
• "I must avoid conflict at all costs to maintain peace."
• "I fear being seen as assertive or confrontational."
• "I'm responsible for keeping everyone happy and harmonious."
• "I'm not important enough to speak up or assert myself."
• "If I express my needs, I'll burden others and disrupt the harmony."
• "I'm afraid of expressing disagreement because it might lead to rejection or abandonment."
• "I often feel overlooked or invisible in social situations."
• "I'm afraid of making decisions because I don't want to upset anyone."
• "I feel guilty when prioritizing my own needs over others'."
• "I constantly second-guess myself and doubt my own worth."
• "I often feel overwhelmed by the needs and expectations of others."

Negative Emotions for Type 9:

Avoidance, frustration or stagnation since their main focus is avoiding conflict.

They may struggle with making decisions or asserting their own preferences, leading to feelings of indecisiveness or being overlooked.

Type 9s may suppress their own needs and desires to maintain harmony, leading to feelings of resentment towards others who seem more assertive or self-centered.

They may feel passive or powerless in their own lives, allowing others to make decisions for them or feeling overshadowed by more dominant personalities.

Type 9s may neglect their own needs and desires in favor of maintaining peace and harmony in their relationships, leading to feelings of self-forgetfulness or self-neglect.

Type 9s may struggle with inertia or a lack of motivation to pursue their goals or dreams, feeling stuck or complacent in their current circumstances.

Type 9s may struggle with emotional numbness or disconnect from their inner desires and passions, leading to feelings of apathy or disconnection from life. My husband is a type 9 and he barely batted an eye when both my kids left for college at the same time due to Covid. He buried his emotions whereas myself, a type 4 who fixates on emotions, was in a desperate place, trying to navigate the massive change in my identity. I was in his face begging him to join me on the journey to finding our new normal. We had never had conflict in our marriage, but the empty nest nearly broke us apart. I wanted to call ourselves New Chapter Adapters instead of empty nesters, but I was the only one outwardly and actively fighting to adapt. I couldn’t see it, but he was adapting by numbing out and avoiding me! Nines avoid conflict and I was conflict personified! I will do a whole episode on how we a Type 9 and a Type 4 crawled out of the pit with the help of the Enneagram, but if you are in a similar situation and would like to read the blog post about it right now, email me at [e-mail]. Or ask about scheduling a virtual appointment. I help couples see their blind spots all the time through Myers Briggs and the Enneagram. You can also get more insight into the type 9 by checking out Episode 11 which is an interview with my Type 9 Peacemaker son, Nathan.

Reframing for Type 9:

Recognize that conflict and discomfort are natural parts of life and can lead to growth and positive change. Embrace opportunities to express your needs and assert yourself in a healthy and respectful manner. Coach your child by asking, "What do you think are some healthy ways to express your needs when you're feeling uncomfortable?" Then have them practice in a safe situation.

Trust in your ability to make decisions and assert your preferences. Remember that your opinions and desires are valid and worthy of consideration. Celebrate the conflicts your child has overcome."What are some decisions you've made recently that you feel proud of?"

"How can you remind yourself that your opinions and desires are important and worthy of consideration?" Say something to yourself like, “ It’s ok to Voice Your Choice

Honor your own needs and desires without feeling guilty or resentful. Practice assertiveness and boundary-setting in your relationships to ensure that your voice is heard and respected. "Can you think of a time when you felt guilty or resentful for expressing your needs? How can you honor your needs without feeling guilty?"

"What are some ways you can assert yourself respectfully in your friendships or at school?"

Take an active role in shaping your own life and pursuing your goals. Trust in your ability to make decisions and assert yourself in a respectful and assertive manner. "What are some goals you have for yourself right now? How can you take steps to pursue them?"

"When was a time you felt proud of standing up for yourself or expressing your opinion?"

Prioritize self-care and self-expression in your life. Take time to connect with your inner desires and passions and honor your own needs and priorities. "What activities or hobbies make you feel happiest and most fulfilled?"

"How can you make sure you're taking care of yourself emotionally and physically?"

Break tasks and decisions into smaller, more manageable steps, and take proactive measures to address challenges or conflicts as they arise. "What's one task you've been avoiding lately? How can you break it down into smaller steps to make it more manageable?"

"What's one small action you can take today to address a challenge you're facing?"

Practice mindfulness and self-reflection to connect with your emotions and innermost desires. Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions in healthy and constructive ways. "What are some emotions you've been feeling lately? How can you express them in a healthy way?"

"What are some activities that help you feel more connected to your emotions and inner self?"

Motivation: Identify your values and passions and take steps to align your actions with your deepest desires and aspirations. Seek out opportunities for growth and personal development and embrace new experiences with enthusiasm and curiosity. "What's one change you'd like to see in your life right now? How can you take control and make it happen?"

"How can you remind yourself that you have the power to shape your own future?"

"What's one new experience you've been curious about trying? How can you take steps to make it happen?"

“What are some things that are really important to you? How can you make sure your actions reflect those values?"

You can meditate on scriptures or inspirational quotes that will address the type 9 struggle of sloth. Look for my online scripture journal for Type 9’s at WendyGossett.com which will be coming soon! You can also look at Bible or book characters that had type 9 tendencies and overcame them. An example that comes to mind is Moses. He was a very reluctant, but fearless leader and the only character in the Bible that God called friend. Another perfect example of a Type 9 is Samwise Gamgee from "The Lord of the Rings" - Sam is loyal, supportive, and values harmony within the fellowship. He often puts others' needs before his own and seeks to maintain peace among the group.

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13 (ESV)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9 (NIV)

"You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great." - Zig Ziglar

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Lao Tzu

Or from Finding Nemo… "Just keep swimming." - Dory, Finding Nemo