Dr Stella Duffy wants you to know it's better on the other side!

Middling Along

My guest today is Dr Stella Duffy OBE - she is an existential psychotherapist, has recently completed her PhD, has written 17 novels, 15 plays, and 70 short stories, and in previous incarnations has been an actor, theatre-director, comedian and much much more…including being on the steering committee that started the Women’s Equality Party!

Having previously survived two encounters with cancer, last year, with no warning, she suffered a ruptured brain aneurysm that very nearly killed her. Despite this, she recovered and went on to finish her PhD exploring the experiences of post-menopausal women.

We start off with me asking Stella to explain what existential psychotherapy is (because I definitely had no clue!). She outlines the approach as asking clients, “what choices have you made; what choices do you want to keep making; what choices are you making because you believe you have no choice; where do you want to change; and where are you right now?”

We also talk about how her second round of breast cancer felt like “a big slap in the face,” having made a subconscious deal with the Universe that trading the loss of her fertility due to aggressive cancer treatment would allow her to fully recover and continue to live cancer-free.

We move on to discuss the dearth of “post-menopausal” voices in the Menosphere - something I hope the podcast can go some way to addressing even in small part. The “industry” doesn’t want to hear from happy, satisfied, thriving post-menopausal women, Stella points out, because then we won’t buy in to needing to be “fixed” in quite the same way… As she herself can attest: “It’s better ‘out the other side’…”! On the flip side, her theory is that as regards the diverse voices we’re not hearing (the women who aren’t talking about their symptoms) their voices are absent not because they aren’t experiencing symptoms but because other, even harder stuff is going on in their lives. When people haven’t needed to deal with difficulties in life before, then menopause comes as a shock. She also argues that perhaps the anger and anxiety that often accompany menopause are valid responses to being surrounded by patriarchy, sexism and misogyny?

We also look at different global experiences of menopause: she cites research that compared Highland Mayan Guatemalan women to those in the US - where despite similar levels of osteoporosis, the Guatemalan women had no fractures due to diet and lifestyle differences (high calcium in their water, exercise throughout life (carrying water for miles well into their 70s), and absence of alcohol. (They also call their hot flushes: “the rising of the animal spirit” which I think perhaps should be a ‘thing’ here too!). What else can we learn from other cultures - especially where older adults are treated with respect - but also what can we learn from studying those who have ‘sailed though’ menopause - what were they doing differently in earlier life that might be influencing their experiences?

We move on to confronting our own internalized ageism and finding our own ways to age on our own terms - to articulate what we want from our ‘one wild and precious life.’ Flexing those “I want” muscles doesn’t always come easily - and as we agree towards the end of our chat…We don’t have to figure it all out overnight!

You can find out more about Stella and her work at https://stelladuffytherapy.co.uk/

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If your workplace wants to become more ‘menopause friendly’ then please let them know about the work I do at http://www.managingthemenopause.com

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