Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - How to Fail an Interview (Series 004, Episode 001)

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Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Slow)

Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post. You can get the mp.3 here.

Not everyone wants a job. Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking. Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps.

1 Don’t turn up on time. Employers hate this; it ensures that everyone else’s interview is late and makes them wait around twiddling their thumbs. And, don’t phone to say you’re late, I mean, they’re not paying for your credit are they?

2 Don’t prepare before the interview. Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you?

3 Make a joke. It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal. And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone. Even the people interviewing you.

4 Don’t dress smartly. T-shirt, trainers and a baseball cap show you’re the kind of fit, go getter who’s going to go straight out of the interview and kick a ball around the park. Only geeks wear ties.

5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair.

6 Don’t turn your mobile off. If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates.

7 Be completely upfront about your work needs. It’s only fair. I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday.

8 Let’s face it, the job’s going to be boring, so enliven your interview by talking about your partner, de-worming your cat, and who’s winning X factor on the telly. And, tut if the interview panel ask you to answer their questions. What are they? Your dad or something?

And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory. You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you?

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk