Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

Hear English (from the Full English Experience)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

OFFICE GOSSIP (Slow)

You can get the mp.3 here. Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.

Cooee, nice to see you. How’s your first day? How’s everyone treating you? Nicely? Really? Even Jill? Oh that’s nice. I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox. So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you.

Have you got a boyfriend? You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer. I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts. They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR. I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble? I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security. It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink. At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time. Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long. Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never. Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend?

Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble. Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work. She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital. Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job. She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big.

So have you heard any good gossip? C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie. It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members. Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem. Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business!

www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk