013: reeducation_beaches_antagonists It’s the end of term for one of our cadets, and we hear him disclose first-hand experience of our reeducation program to his compatriot: it was intriguing to witness a disarmed and honest assessment of our methods from one of the courses most mediocre students. We commenced with subject B as he has proven to be …

012: identity_unicorns_stingers Subject B skipped the pleasantries at the start of todays meeting, opting instead to interrogate his counterpart on their knowledge of antique-based reality television. His intention behind the line of questioning was not to explore the worth of humanitys lost or forgotten junk, rather to identify the masks they surr…

011: condiments_apidae_disasters Life in the pod appears to have become too bland for subject B: he bemoans the lack of flavour in their rations and so, in an effort to fool his tastebuds, sparks a conversation with his compatriot about condiments. In a further attempt to inject some spice into their existence, subject A suggests they seek stimulat…

010: halitosis_property_melodramas My suspicion of ongoing deception by our specimens was confirmed during today’s meeting: affecting accents and masking personalities are clear signs of espionage, what they stand to gain from spying on us I am yet to uncover. I shan’t expose their secret until I understand more about their individual skillsets. An…

009: paracosms_cranchiidae_booze In a vain attempt at shrouding his lacklustre approach to pod upkeep, subject A has manufactured an autonomous valet. In theory it should alleviate an already congested list of errands for B, but an unforeseen quirk of said servant could dash his hopes before any benefit is felt. As we know, this newly employed mini…

008: vacation_ophidianists_thiriokinesis It was both pleasing and concerning to discover that subject A has created a resort within the pod: pleasing as it will give the inhabitants somewhere to relax and reflect, concerning due to the resources exhausted during its manufacture, resulting in a negative impact on the craft’s stability. B appeared to…

007: sanitation_execution_epitaphs Today’s meeting was a mostly morbid affair, despite a positive start that saw B boasting about the numerous chores he had completed. The act of spring cleaning can be seen as an expression of the desire to improve or change one’s surroundings, could they finally be settling in for the long haul? Conversely, A seem…

006: proctology_invertebrates_sensorium Both were verging on hysteria for the duration of this session: subject A believes his co-habitants erratic behaviour is a reaction to a homemade narcotic, I suspect it is due to the oxygen rationing we have had no choice but to enforce. Their entertainment value rises dramatically when starved of the life-gi…

005: anthropomorphism_ effervescence_danceThe tangible regret shown by subject A, following an evening of excess, invoked little sympathy from B for his self-inflicted ailment. They generally lack any real concern for the others well-being, seemingly oblivious to the impact being entirely alone would have on their psyche.Details of the previous nig…

004: meteorology_obsequies_pioneers The usual combative nature of previous sessions was absent today, our subjects were instead unified in annoyance by a common foe: it transpires that the unwelcome guest we initially viewed as a threat and sought to exterminate, has proven itself to be an impactful uncontrolled variable. I suggest we allow this re…

003: aristocracy_opiates_cosplay The third session commenced in open conflict, with B accusing A of larceny. The heated exchange substantiates my hypothesis that our ability to subtly manipulate time and space, and the objects within it, intensifies the volatility of their domicile. Historically, chaotic atmospheres yield rich seams to mine for emo…

002: ablutions_transit_neophytes The second meeting between our subjects was held slightly later than scheduled due to circumstances beyond the Custodian’s control, he has assured me that future sessions will not be as intermittent. An undercurrent of uncleanliness flowed stubbornly beneath the conversation, alike a waste pipe constricted by human …

001: rodents_ emulsion _cetaceans Their first mandatory meeting was fraught with taboo topics, both parties were restless and disorientated: subject A delicately deliberated the legalities of animal ownership, while B fixated on faecal matter. Attempting to placate a visibly hyperactive B, A engaged in a spontaneous game of Charades. An insightful …

Af Twin Wood Sounds

Af Twin Wood Sounds

Af Twin Wood Sounds

Af Twin Wood Sounds

Af Twin Wood Sounds

It’s Trick and/or treat time, darling Deadcrabs, as our fourth Hallowe’en special is broadcast directly from beyond the spectral plane; the tormented terrors continue their quest for eternal rest, hopeful their unfinished business shall be accomplished once this supernatural soiree concludes. Supplied with a variety of sweet treats to keep their sp…

Fingers on buzzers for the second section of this panicked prayer, as our boisterous bogeymen reside recumbently in the radiant torridity of Big Momma’s bosom while playing four ghoulishly gruelling retro games: Casper on the SNES, Porky Pig’s Haunted Holiday also on the SNES, Haunting on the Sega Mega Drive and Ghost House on the Sega Master Syste…

Boo! The closing slice of this year’s spectre spattered special features a fittingly frightening Inside Ross’ Mind, consisting of two abnormally nauseating queasy questions: what are the strangest phobias you know of and what would you forever banish to Room 101? While deciphering the Deadcrab’s feedback we discuss Greta Thunberg, Hershey’s chocola…

As retrospective as the most vivid déjà vu, the volatile voyagers are back from the present to once again recognise two almost meaningless milestones: our 4th birthday, and 100th publication of our periodical podcast; what better way to recognise such a chronologically concentrated occasion, than basing the entire show on the theory of time travel?…

Dare you join our decrepit teleporters as time stands still for the 101st part of this perpetual parade, and behold as we blabber almost exclusively about how time travel concepts are conveyed in TV shows, movies and video games; preceding that plentiful topic we step Inside Ross’ Mind to ask our Headcrabs where and when they would visit should the…

Join us lounging by our Xen Healing Pool and surrender to the temptation of a refreshing soak, dip your toes and trust the restorative waters to wash away those suspiciously sweaty summer exploits; then towel off alongside Tim, a first-timer on the show, who has agreed to feature in this month’s episode exclusively to prove his existence. Our hecti…

The possibilities are endless in the second part of this foreigner focussed foray, as Tim confronts the infamous interrogation faced by all past inmates of the Lair; the erudite detainee endures an oppressive onslaught of questioning unperturbed, deflecting verbal attacks with aplomb as the incompetent inquisitors insist on interpretations of their…

In the second part of this inconsequential sequence, our lint lickers lumber to Lair 2.0 to play three arcade games for this month’s Gonarch’s Player: Trojan, Rod-Land, and Street Fighter: The Movie. While gaming we strive to stifle familiar frustrations by talking about Glastonbury, the Lambton Worm, WD40, The Addams Family, Dutch furniture moving…

Dry your eyes darling Headcrabs, for our venerable vagrants have returned from their summer recess to take up residence in the all-new Lair 4.0; by delivering a dose of revitalised vigor, they aspire to redeem this atrophying podcast. We kick off an essentially themeless episode with a belated and brief E3 chat, covering their handpicked highlights…

In the 45th and a half part of the podcast that comes mostly once a month, mostly, our sufferers of space madness set out on an elongated lark through the multimedia associated with Aliens not aliens; the extraterrestrial extroverts expatiate extensively by examining all of the games associated with the Alien franchise, the cartoons and toy lines, …

Fellow facehuggers, you are formally invited to hound our hostile hosts through this 40th anniversary appreciation of the birth of the most iconic sci-fi horror franchise of all time; the first act features the quarter pumpers paying a passing visit to Lair 2.0 to play three games set in the Alien universe: Alien vs. Predator arcade, Alien 3 on the…

The year has sprung spring, and witnessing a refreshing return to the season of rebirth has galvanised our enigmatic entertainers, who have endeavoured to qualify this questionable concoction as an Easter special for each and every elegant Eggcrab. We implore you to impetuously immerse yourselves in the inane incantation of three rabid rogues, for …

The second part of this riotous rite is fundamentally flooded by a roughly relevant Gonarch’s Player, which features Ross and Thom playing three retro games: Chuckie egg, Rabbit Punch, and Super 3D Noah’s Ark. The troubling troika creatively cram the remaining recording with discussions about Headspace, Clint Mansell, Sexy Parodius, Tommy Walsh, su…

Welcome mummy’s boys and girls, to the joint mother's day and climate change special! The polluted pair were persuaded to pay tribute to all of those Gonarchs out there, whilst simultaneously highlighting the unseasonably warm weather we have experienced recently; the byproduct of their comeuppance is this, our most tenuously themed show to date. D…

In the second part of this laborious limp, Ross and Thom play three topical games on the Sega Mega Drive: Captain Planet and the Planeteers, Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators, and Decap Attack, while talking about Netflix’s War of the Worlds, stealth fries, Yogi Bear, Virgin Interactive Entertainment, Tarot Cards, Junior, Yellowstone National Park, …

Sexually suggestive salutations to you, our horny little Headcrabs, as you join our shriveled seducers in their most offensive episode to date: the highly anticipated sex games special. The first salacious slice of this gratuitous grind features our deviants devouring some candidly crass communications from our most provocative fans, before discuss…

Grab the tissues and lotion in preparation for the second part of this impotent installment as, in tribute to the month of love-making, the damsels in distress reconvene in Lair 2.0 to play three topical games in a lust laden Gonarch’s Player: Sex Vixens From Space, Sex Olympics, and Sextimates. Following that floundering foreplay, our moist mates …

Accompany our ardent anchors as they inaugurate the fourth annual Yuletide interlude before finding themselves confined in the discomfort of Lair 3.0, encumbered by the plastic carcasses of ancient console conflict, and constrained by a convivial keeper who coerces our comrades to contend with a trio of topical computer games. In part one of this b…

In part two of this year’s serene seasonal sleigh ride, Thom and Kelly exploit a chance encounter by playing Lethal Weapon on the SNES for an exclusive edition of the Gonarch’s Player while talking about occasional candles, Jason and his Technicolour Dreamcoat, Buck’s Fizz, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, mulled wine, Legends of Tomorrow, and P…

Our naughty boys bring this cathartic cruise to a close in the third and final part, by methodically meandering through a list of their favoured visual entertainment experiences of 2018, randomly ranked in a tranquil top ten before being shared with the listener in a generally gleeful groove; we reveal our patented method for dynamic media adsorpti…

Life commences in crisis for our middle-aged masters of mayhem, as they grudgingly gather for a John Carpenter special; being one of the most versatile visionaries in the entertainment industry, and a personal hero of ours, J.C. has earned an entire episode devoted to his profusely prolific production. In this troubled trip our useless slashers dis…

Obey and consume the second chapter of this composed compendium, as our damned deviants directly assault the audience’s audio processors with passionate parlance; temporarily escaping their excruciating existence to exchange chatter, chronicling the many games and movies John Carpenter has been credited for partaking in the creation of whilst discu…

Happy Howl-O-Ween dear Headcrabs, take shelter this frightful night with our hirsute harem in their dog-eared den and witness our third annual abominable abortion; this year we turn our attention to werewolves, delving deeply into the origin of the legend including how one becomes, cures, or kills these canine catastrophes. In the first part of thi…

In part second of three our cursed company continue their punitive prowl through this lycan laden instalment by playing Werewolf: Last Warrior on the NES, while covering all the recent gaming news including the Battlefield V open beta, Black Ops 4, Red Dead Redemption 2 hype, Nioh, Streets of Rage 4, Dead Cells, World War Z, cross-play, the PlaySta…

Raise your hackles and bear your teeth for a rough start to the third and final part of this rabid ramble, as our comical clan wearily rally to review every werewolf themed TV show, movie, and video game while discussing Stephen King, ellipsoid graphics, Alice Cooper, the Best Makeup Academy Award, Adult Swim, and our favourite transformation scene…

Good luck listener, you’ll need it as our confounding cohort convenes to face the friendly flames of Lair 2.0 with hubris, hopeful that this month’s audio discharge will be practically palatable; the theme is disappointment but don’t allow that to obscure your unworthy wonted enthusiasm for the show, Ross and Thom once again deliver a decent dose o…

The atmosphere gets oppressively stifling in the second leg of this underwhelming wander, as our paltry pairing exhume repressed memories of the most disappointing games that they have ever played. We also chat about gardening, Hellblade: Senua’s Sacrifice, false advertising, Kane Hodder, roadworks, H.P. Lovecraft, parkour, See No Evil, malaria, Pe…

Howdy Headcrabs, come on in and have a nice day whilst consuming the first slice of our potentially offensive American Independence Day special; listen as the perspiring spouses, fresh from their summer sabbatical, endeavour to rejuvenate the Gonarch’s Lair franchise with an absolute banger of an episode. During this chaotic congress we discuss Wre…

In the second part of this uncongenial union, our world-class singles sail away on a sea of E3 scoops, scrutinising the roster of titles that were announced or teased at the most contentious of all the annual gaming expositions. We also talk about lactose intolerance, glam rock, Skol lager, Skylanders, Elijah Wood, and fisheye lens cameras; a forme…

Welcome young Padawan, to our Star Wars special. The Force will have to be strong within you to endure this trial of tolerance, as we gossip in Galactic Basic Standard for close to 5 hours about arguably the biggest movie franchise of your planet’s timeline thus far. During part one of this audacious opera our villainous scum discuss the World Vide…

The second part of our midi-chlorian motivated mission is 99.9% genuine Star Wars content, join us as our geriatric Jedi juggle to the conclusion of their very own epic saga of an episode; we discuss all of the feature-length films in order of release, the cartoons and spin-off flicks, every video game inspired by the franchise, and we receive a pr…

In the second part of this frivolous frisk, we spend at least 80% of the conversation scrutinising Wayne’s nomadic video game history, and prising answers from him on the usual gaming related questions that we ask all of the Lair’s victims; his gaming persona, desert island game choices, his character point, and the three historical figures or cele…