Part 2
Manage episode 447462523 series 3611577
NIGHTMARE ON 34TH STREET: A XMAS GROTESQUE
Words + Music by Geordie McElroy
Part Two
***
Portia hosted at Koopman’s cafe
A rich, aggressive bunch
Muffy Von Klump and Luz De La Cruz
These the ladies who lunch
“Delish! This dish… simply divine!”
“Bold boreal terroir!”
Caribou tartare, pine resin wine
Chowing down reindeer raw
“Tell me where you found your Santa”
“The line is out the door”
“Parents love him, kids terrified”
“And they keep coming back for more”
“Oh him? He’s Koopman’s special sauce
Says his name is Ruprecht”
“Your glass snow globe is filled with dough”
“The man commands respect”
A parent lugged her screaming child
Ruprecht hushed in his ear
Then youngin’ turned a sickly shade
Silent, quaking with fear
“Mercedes, won’t you see to Alfonso
Luz’s newly adopted son
Fresh from Mali? Or was it Malawi?
Some dump from whence he comes?”
“Go take him to Christmas Village
To sit on Ruprecht’s lap”
Mercedes cried: “That’s not Santa Claus
He doesn’t wear a patch”
Portia feigned shame before the gals
“Mercedes don’t talk back
Alfonso doesn’t know any better…
…Santa is handicapped”
I always wanted to adopt
Open my heart and home
I’ve got that idiot Izzy
Won’t move out, full grown”
“Oh yes…” said Muffy, “…Isidore
We caught his performance
A shame he soiled your parade
And lost those endorsements”
Luz pointed to the globe and said:
“Charity has two forms
The kind l have for Alfono
The other type performs”
***
Dunn stewed in silent apartment
Countless beer cans crushed
A Christmas tree 13 years dead
Ornaments cloaked in dust
He stared at Portia Koopman’s name
And cleaned his .22
Perused surveillance photographs
Silencer clockwise screwed
Dunn studied the plans for the store
Swigged down Peppermint Schnapps
No sense in procrastination
When assassins are cops
Dunn got a call from foot patrol
The North Star life raft found
In a sewer deep beneath city streets
In Koopman’s part of town
Dunn saddled up and slugged down rum
One-forty proof cologne
Heading down to Portia’s store
Kill two birds with one stone
***
Izzy hung out in the warehouse
These were his type of folk
Honest work from sweat of the brow
Clearly thought him a joke
“Yep! I’m working security
Keep this ship sailing smooth
Justice is still my obsession
And schooling youths with truths”
The crew were busy with boxes
Had no time for lectures
Ignored the owners’ son’s babble
Hist trust-fund conjectures
Perrault came down from HR
On a search for Izzy
Wanting to speak about Ruprecht
“Excuse me are you busy?
“What do you think of Santa Claus?
I have my suspicions
Hired outside proper channels
Despite my opposition”
“We haven’t done a background check
Can Ruprecht work with kids?
That patch won’t make him handicapped
Despite what Portia thinks”
Izzy nodded in agreement:
“I’ll launch an inquiry
And get his drug test by tomorrow
I have my ways, you’ll see”
***
Noel emerged from a box unseen
Had to take it in twice
Forklifts, boxes, shelves and ladders
This must be paradise
So much brighter than the lighthouse
So much warmer than her cell
This was the place, warehouse heaven
Through store doors, conveyed on belt
The light so bright, displays dazzling
Glimmering fantasies
Surpassing all her North Pole dreams
Everything seen she seized
Noel grabbed a cashmere sweater
Brownies, bagels, cookies
With no idea what money was
Soon everyone looking
She snagged some boots and wide brim hat
Shoved her mouth with meringues
Portia spotted the burlap’ed waif
On walkie-talkie rang:
“Come in Izzy, Izzy come in
We need security
There’s poor children in Christmas Village
And please… Keep it discreet”
Izzy emerged from the staff room
Stashed the urine sample
Clocked Noel and made a bee-line
Children in between trampled
Just then Dunn arrived at Koopman’s
On Secret Santa quest
Followed Portia through corridor
An uninvited guest
Dunn was cool, calm, professional
No sound of hammer click
Just about to pull the trigger
When Noel screamed: “St. Nick!”
Dunn turned around for a moment
Took his eyes from target
The time he looked around again
The elevator door shut
Then Dunn saw the seal furred figure
His sights fell on the patch
The missing man from ghost ship found?
Were he and Portia attached?
How was he connected with Koopman’s?
Who was that girl shouting?
What was Secret Santa’s purpose?
Like that, Dunn was doubting
Then Noel tried to cut Ruprecht’s line
“I have to tell St. Nick…”
But Izzy grabbed her by the curls
Dragged her outside quick:
“Come back when you have money
It cost in this village
Moolah, cash, coin or platinum
Raised through work, fraud, pillage”
Izzy threw Noel to the curb
“…That’s the fool from the Parade”
Portia demoted him right then
To night watchman brigade
Dunn disappeared on 34th street
Melted into the crowd
How was everything tied in here?
Time to unravel shroud
***
Noel wandered through city park
Searched high and low for cash
Stumbled upon a wishing well
Shattered ice with a splash
Noel filled her burlap with pennies
Must be worth a fortune
Her treasure so shiny and bright
Shadows fell on the orphan
A gang of urchins gathered round
“What are you doing on our turf?”
“This is Street Rat territory”
“You rotten brat!” “The nerve!”
They were a filthy, desperate lot
With hair spiked up in mud
Their cut-off vests displayed their crew
With warpaint made of crud
“I need to get my hands on cash
I need to see St. Nick
I’ve got something he has to see
Will these coins make me rich?”
“Listen up you ignorant kid
That bum is not St. Nick”
“Only fools believe in that dreck
Is your skull extra thick?”
“Do you see all these protestors?
Each in suits of red?”
Noel dazzled by countless Santas
Each wishing Ruprecht dead
Street Rats led her into the sewers
Down into secret lair
“You’re about to wake from slumber”
“We’ll school you ‘cause we care”
“There is no St. Nick or Santa”
“There is only one God”
“It goes by the name of money”
“It runs this ball of sod”
"Everyone stealing all the time “
“No point in refusal”
“Everyone running a con or scam”
“Grift, finesse, bamboozle”
“They do it all for a dollar bill”
“The core, the foundation”
“It can buy happiness and love”
“It can buy salvation"
***
Dunn called Federal Agent Jones
To return a favor
Deep file dive into Portia
Find any cause to slay her
“Well if it isn’t Lt. Dunn”
Ivy Jones said
“Are you still protecting the city?
Is community dead?”
“By now you would have been running things
Our highest ranking fed
But rather than joining us here
You stayed local instead”
Just then Jones realized her misstep
Of course, Christmas season
This was not Dunn’s time for shining
The man had his reasons
Agent Jones discovered sealed file
On Portia Koopman
Open the the buried folder
Revelations blooming:
“Oh my, this is interesting
She was once a witness
Entered protective custody
Before the retail business
A Eurovision wannabe
From backwater Ukraine
Her boyfriend, Nick, a Volga thug
Before relations strained
Got his start as a smuggler
Caviar, blue jeans, arms
Then he turned to Slavic magic
Hypnosis, conjuring, charms
Things took a turn towards darkness
Business interests morphing
Portia, flipped, she ran, fearing his
New obsession: orphans
His whereabout mysterious
Gave Interpol the slip
Only she can ID him now
The shadow called: St. Nick”
***
The Street Rats led Noel underground
Deep forgotten station
Where city trash and refuse spewed
And death’s stench vacations
Above their heads a frescoed dome
A starry night fading
Village of tents along stone floor
Trash can fires blazing
They brought Noel to meet their chief
Queen Dolores the Great
Noel knew this girl from somewhere
She recognized her face
“Dolores?” Noel inquired
“Remmy told us you died
He said you were buried in the marsh
For failure to comply”
Dolores took Noel aside:
“I know where you have been
I have tattoo from St. Nick’s too
Escaped at age of ten”
“The Street Rats think St. Nick’s a lie
Tell me, what do you say?
Who runs the lighthouse school for girls?
To who’s icon did we pray?”
Noel plunked down, her head in her hands
“It’s all so confusing
Who are all those Santas outside
Protesting at Koopmans?”
“I can’t make sense of this new world
What’s with money’s appeal?
Why does everyone seem so mean?
Is St. Nick even real?”
“Of course he’s real, you stupid kid
The coldest thug in town
He uses that name to fool buffoons
Listen, I’ll break it down:”
“Every one of us is programmed
Taught what to think, believe
St. Nick already been sold to us
We’re set to be deceived”
“They’ve been lying to you for years now
You’re so near completion
And Nick needs you for his potion
Of fat and gland secretions”
“Terrible plans for orphan girls
He feeds on tender flesh
He slurps the life from out their veins
Drained until nothing’s left”
***
Dunn entered museum of hands
Coroner in the lobby
Thank you for meeting me down here
Sometimes memory foggy
They slunk into the sub-basement
Where priceless parts were kept
Passed corridors with glowing floors
And damp catacomb depths
Saw prosthetic silver arm
Lonely hand of glory
The lantern made of hanged man mitt
Makes thieves unseen the story
They passed a mercenary fist
Lost, made iron gauntlet
What seemed to be a Yeti paw
Subtle, didn’t flaunt it
“This is what I called you for”
Coroner said and stopped
He motioned to a filagreed case
Popped locks and opened box
“Last we spoke I was mistaken
About the strange M.O.
Once before seen flesh turned carbon
As captain’s, here you go:”
There they found a hand like onyx
Every inch of it black
Fist of Coal, 1393
Engraved upon bronze plaque
Discovered in a Ural marsh
Where East and West connect
After thaw on coldest year
Victim of Knecht Ruprecht
***
Blood splattered on Ruprecht’s seal fur
“Take that you terrorist!”
Activists infiltrated Koopman’s
Cheered by their therapist
Ruprecht’s seal was covered in carnage
No. Not even a blink
Just smiled and licked off his lips
"It’s much worse than you think”
***
Perrault sat across from Ruprecht
In the staff locker room
“I’d like to discuss your employment
We’ll get your furs back soon”
Ruprecht was dressed in his loin cloth
Covered in strange tattoos
Scythian beasts, curses, runes
Squatting with Narwhal flute
“Do you have a job history?
Reference of which to speak?
Papers to work in this country?
…Are you some kind of freak?”
“We’re gonna need a urine test
Last one deemed phony
Enough amanita in you
To kill a Shetland pony”
***
Down at the stables a problem
Ponies, horses missing
Predator escaped from the zoo?
Wolves seeking provisions?
Curious footprints found in snow
Boots about size 13
Ranch hands spotted an old man at night
In furs of seal he’s seen
They said they’ve watched him...
5 episoder