The Curse of Bridge Hollow

2 Guys And A Chainsaw - A Horror Movie Review Podcast

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Halloween 2024 is at hand! No better film for this week than this family-friendly Netflix release. It’s dumb and corny and predictable, but the SFX are fantastic, it’s adequately scary-yet-kid-friendly, and just chock-full of Halloween fun.

New kid moves into a new town and unleashes ancient magic from an artifact she found in the attic of her historic house. Sound familiar? Despite an under-utilized cast of stars, groan-worthy cliches and flat jokes, there’s some easygoing magic at work here that will appeal to kids and adults alike who can handle the surprisingly scary Halloween decorations that come to life as fodder for Marlon Wayans’ chainsaw.

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The Curse of Bridge Hollow (2022)

Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.

Craig: And I’m Craig.

Todd: Happy Halloween!

Craig: It’s your Halloween voice again. Happy Halloween to you.

Todd: It’s more of a slogan than a voice. It only says those words.

Craig: Next year. Next year you can monologue or something. I don’t know. Yeah, it’s exciting.

Honestly, like, I love Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, and we’ll totally celebrate Christmas too, but I think that I feel more about Halloween the way most people feel about Christmas. Like, it’s my favorite. Holiday. I just love everything about it. Same here. And I love that my neighbors across the street have like a whole geta like they’ve got like a, a graveyard set up and they’ve got skeletons walking skeleton dogs and they’ve The Nightmare Before Christmas projection on their house.

Todd: Oh nice. You do live in a neighborhood and a town, really, that, that still hasn’t, you know, still put some effort into, you know, decorating the house, I assume, you know, you get some trick or treaters here and there, but I think the last Halloween I had there, I maybe had three. Five groups of trick or treaters come to the door all night long, and I was super depressed.

Craig: Yeah, trick or treating is not as much a thing anymore. I think that some Gen Xers, you know, are still trying to hang on to it for their kids, but it’s mostly, it’s mostly trunk or treats, which is nice, but it’s not the same.

Todd: You know, I’m double irritated at the trunk or treat. Number one, it’s lame compared to the real deal.

And number two, it’s sort of born out of this false narrative that trick or treating is dangerous. I

Craig: know, I know. We talk about this all the time. We are so precious about kids these days. And I get it, I get it. You gotta make sure your kids are safe. But we managed to survive somehow. Anyway, whatever. Yeah.

I love Halloween. Yes. And you’re right, in, in my town, first of all, my neighborhood is very residential. My house especially is on a street that’s like an interior street. Like, there’s no reason for you to be on my street unless you live on it.

Todd: Yeah, so get off my lawn.

Craig: I just mean practically. Right, I know what

Todd: you

Craig: mean. Hahaha. So there’s, there’s very little traffic and, and my neighborhood is, uh, You know, middle class families and yeah, people are still really into it. The people across the street from me have the best display. Most people just put out a lot of inflatables.

I like the spirit of inflatables, but

Todd: it’s lazy. It feels lazy.

Craig: I like, I appreciate the spirit, folks. I really, really do. Well,

Todd: and I suppose people appreciate the saving of, uh, space, you know?

Craig: Yeah.

Todd: My god. I, I, seriously, there used to be so much of my garage devoted just to Halloween decorations that were sitting there for most of the year.

Craig: I know, and we don’t do it at all because, for that exact reason, we just don’t have the space to store the stuff. Ugh, unfortunate. But anyway. Yeah, so I’m glad that we are doing, I don’t remember exactly how it worked out that we ended up doing this for the Halloween

Todd: episode. I put it down that way because this felt like it would probably be the most Halloween of the movies that we did this month, and uh, I kind of think it is.

Craig: Yeah, me too. And that’s the thing that I love the most about it. So the movie that we’re doing is 2022’s The Curse of Bridge Hollow. It’s a Netflix original, and that’s where I watched it. Alan and I watched it last year, because we had never seen it before. And I had heard good things about it. And we both liked it.

I remember liking it a lot. And it’s so Halloween y, like, that’s my favorite thing about it. Like this is a movie about Halloween and everything in it is about Halloween. And it’s, it’s fun. It’s not the best movie I’ve ever seen. I don’t love it as much as I love The Worst Witch.

Clip: I mean, it’s no The Worst Witch.

You’re

Todd: not going to gush over this like you did The Worst Witch. Well, first of all, there’s no music in this one. You don’t have any songs to sing to us. That’s going to be the saddest part of this.

Craig: That’s really not all that sad. I listened back to that and, oh boy, that was something. You guys

Todd: were done dirty by the delay, you know, there’s the natural delay between the two of you, but you, you would have been singing in sweet, sweet harmony, like chorus girls and boys.

I know.

Craig: I know.

Todd: Otherwise, just like you did when you were children.

Craig: I actually really like a lot of things about this movie. It’s a fun story. The thing that kind of perplexes me is I’m not exactly sure who the target audience, because. It feels very much coded for children. Yes. But I think that many average children who are not like you and me might get really scared.

Like, and the effects are so good. And I’m not saying they’re brilliant, but they’re so good that I think that they might be really scary for kids. Like, this stuff looks real.

Todd: Yeah, and that was one thing that, you know, I’m always watching movies like this thinking, Oh, would this be something I could watch with my son?

No. Not yet. Not yet. I don’t think so. He’s seven and he’s a little touchy about these things. He definitely couldn’t see this yet. And that was what I was thinking. I was like, you know, for what I was imagining to be and what, you know, Otherwise, sort of felt like a, oh, light hearted, breezy, lower budget movie with a very cookie cutter type script and whatnot to throw out at Halloween time like you would throw together one of these Hallmark Lifetime Christmas movies, you know?

There was a lot of care put into it. In the special effects department. It’s actually really, really good. I mean, it’s Hollywood blockbuster style, good special effects. Even when the mix of practical and the computer generated, it’s seamless. And the computer generated doesn’t look cheap at all. To the point where you can’t even tell sometimes when You’re what you’re looking at his computer generator, whether it’s practical I just think it’s that well done and that more than anything else about this movie really blew me away I was like gosh.

This is a nice movie to watch it. It looks good. It does the effects are great There’s nothing distracting in there, you know in that regard. I thought it was a fun ride

Craig: There’s always something going on. Like it’s just scene after scene after scene with new things happening. And it’s a very simple conceit that we’ll get to in just a second.

But you said you wouldn’t show it to your seven year old son. I wouldn’t show it to my 16 year old nephew. He is, he doesn’t like scary stuff in general, but he’s particularly freaked out by zombies and there are zombies in this movie and they are Straight out of a grown up horror movie like yeah, they don’t pull any punches as I guess is what I’m saying Yeah, when it comes to the scary stuff, and there’s definitely silly stuff too But when it comes to the scary stuff, they don’t pull any punches and they go hard.

There’s there’s really scary zombies and really scary clowns

Todd: Yeah, evil clowns with real axes and machetes, swinging them around, uh, doing damage to, you know, the set. I was surprised at how scary those, those things were. And everything in here glows with red eyes. And, I don’t know, you know, a skeleton is ten times more scary when it’s got red eyes burning at you.

So, yeah, it’s like they just amped everything up. And then I thought the final villain as well, all of it looked very spooky. In that regard It was cool that they didn’t pull any punches in that department. That being said, nobody dies in this movie. And you know it’s gonna be a movie like that, right?

Craig: Oh, sure.

Sure.

Todd: And I love the idea that the way they kept it so PG. I think it’s technically TV 14. But same difference, really. The way they kept it that way is, almost all of the monsters in this movie are actually Halloween decorations come to life. Ha ha ha! Right! Which is a really super smart way of avoiding gore!

Right! When they knock these things down, or they chop their heads off, or they hack them in two, or one particularly interesting chainsaw scene. You know, it’s just stuffing that’s coming out of them, or, you know. Bits of cardboard and wood. They just

Craig: break, right? Yeah, they just

Todd: break and they fall to the ground.

And so, on the one hand, you know, it’s like, the danger is real. On the other hand, in the back of my mind, I keep going, but they’re still just animated decorations. These aren’t actual zombies from hell, which happens at one point when a character gets bit by one of them and he starts freaking out like,

Clip: I’ll tell you what happened here!

One of these zombies just bit me! Huh? Oh, God. Does that mean I’m gonna turn into one of them? Is that how this works? You can’t let me turn. You gotta shoot me. Blow my head off, man. What? No, I’m not gonna shoot you. I don’t wanna turn into a zombie! You’re not gonna turn into a zombie! Zombies are fictional creations, okay?

Dead bodies don’t have functioning nervous systems, which means they can’t move. Basic biology. I didn’t understand a single word you just said. Maybe I should handcuff myself to the porch just in case, huh? Or You can get a tetanus shot. Yeah, good call Bill Nye the Science Guy.

Todd: Burn. So it even provided a little bit of comedy, you know, as well.

Craig: There’s, there’s lots of comedy. It is a comedy. I don’t know, I didn’t find it hilarious, but it was funny. The basic story is Howard, played by Marlon Wayans, one of the very famous and very funny Wayans brothers, and his wife Emily, Kelly Rowland, The Kelly Rowland. The Kelly Rowland, yeah. Destiny’s Child. Of Destiny’s Child and Freddy vs.

Jason. She’s a fine actress. She’s fine. She’s fine. I actually felt bad for her because this, well, and they have a daughter, Sydney, who’s played by Priya Ferguson, who, the only other thing that I’ve seen her in is is Stranger Things, but she came on like in the second or third season of that show playing one of the main character’s younger sisters, and just like steals the show in every scene she’s in.

Oh yeah? She is hilarious. So funny. Both she, but even more so Kelly Rowland, I felt kind of bad like they weren’t really given much to do. Right. Kelly Rowland is Confined to that baking sale for

Todd: the whole movie.

Craig: Yeah,

Todd: she, it’s a very, OneNote, thematically, her character is like very OneNote and very absent from almost all of the action really.

Craig: They’re all kind of OneNote to be honest. Like the writing isn’t amazing. I just like, I do like the story, but the way that the characters are written is, is kind of one note. Like the dad is a science teacher and he’s obsessed with science. And he hates Halloween and he hates anything, like, I don’t know, like, supernatural or whatever because it’s not scientific and you can’t prove it and it’s dumb.

Todd: And they hammer this home so hard because it’s So hard. The movie leaves you with the impression that this man views everything in his life through the lens of, Can I make this into a science lesson? It’s tiresome. I mean, you’re very kind when you say the writing is, What is, what was the word you used? I don’t know.

Not, it’s okay and not bad? I don’t know, you might have said that. I think the writing’s terrible. I mean, it’s not terrible. The dialogue. The dialogue is dumb. That’s my point. It’s so cookie cutter. It’s almost like what would have come out of a script writing class. Like, here are the beats you need. Here are the elements you need.

And then these are the most cliche ways that you can put those beats and elements together. So let’s just. Do that. There are jokes, but I don’t think there’s any, any much new. No. To the jokes. You can see them coming from a mile away. Some of them are even a little cringey. Groaners. I don’t know. It’s just not hip, edgy in the slightest.

There’s nothing edgy about this movie.

Craig: You’re right. Like I, I, and I want to agree with you and I feel like I’m falling into a trap and that I’m going to start talking bad about this movie. I, I think that honestly, that really wasn’t. of my mind because didn’t really care. Like I was willing to overlook that because it was so fun to watch.

Gotcha. Yeah. So, you know, honestly, like I was paying attention to what was happening and I was listening to the words they were saying, but that’s not what I was there for. I hear you. The stuff that I was there for. paid off. Like I was really satisfied. They moved to this new town. I mean, it’s, we open on the shining shot of their car driving through a forest and it’s fun.

You know, they’re singing hit the road, Jack, which is like thematic throughout the whole. And the parents are nerdy and goofy and the daughter’s annoyed and eye rolly, and they’re moving to this new town and she’s mad because they’re making her move to a small town, but they are moving out of the city, like the same setup that we have seen for 8, 000 movies.

Yeah.

Todd: Nothing new here. No,

Craig: it’s God. But they, they, they, they cross a covered bridge into their new town of bridge hollow. Which is, Americana, like, New England in the fall, rich white people.

Todd: Isn’t this the same backlot set that they use for like, Back to the Future, and something wicked this way comes? If it isn’t, it is.

It looks like it.

Craig: I mean, especially like the town square. Yeah, that’s what I mean.

Todd: Cute little old town. Everybody’s busy and boisterous and very Halloween. That’s the thing about this movie that I, and I liked this too.

Craig: And I’m in like from this scene when they first drive in and they’re just driving down the street and they see that every single house has a Extensive and ridiculous Halloween display like oh, yeah, I’m I’m on board.

Yeah

Todd: It was pretty cool and of course like all of them look like they were put together by Hollywood special effects artists Yes, that amazing not a blow up item to be seen. No, not a single inflatable

Craig: Not one and they look great and their next door neighbor has a yard full of zombies and he’s funny There’s lots of funny people in this like Sully.

Yeah, Rob Riggle. He’s been in a lot of stuff. He’s a funny guy He’s not in this very much. No, but he’s pretty good when he’s in it. He’s he’s

Todd: iconic.

Craig: He’s

Todd: funny He’s again, but also I mean he is that stereotypical Character right the good old boy Easygoing, slappy on the back, former military dude who can’t wait to shoot his guns, drinks beer.

We’ve seen this a million times.

Craig: I know, and see now, I know, now that we’re talking about it, now I’m really thinking about it, and like, the cracks are showing, like, It’s, it’s, it’s too bad that That I had to point these out to you? Well, no, I feel like you already alluded to it, but it’s so cliché and it’s just like, just throwing in every cliché of these kinds of movies, like here you’ve got the kind of eccentric But they don’t really do anything with them, really.

It’s at some point the daughter, the dad still is like the, the neighbor wants to like loan him decorations. Like we’re all really excited about Halloween. And the dad’s like, uh, yeah, no thanks. Like, So you got a theme?

Clip: No. You like werewolves? Not particularly. Cause I got a whole shed full of werewolves.

That’s real wolf fur. I don’t even know if it’s legal. And I don’t care cause it’s Halloween. Oh, no thanks. We’re good. Really? We don’t decorate. Jehovah’s Witness. No, I just think it’s kind of silly. What? I mean, do you still believe in Santa Claus? Why, what have you heard? Is he okay?

Craig: He’s just such a stick in the mud and it goes on for so long.

Like, bro, like, calm down.

Todd: He doesn’t even feel like a real person at that point. Nobody is that bad of a stick in the mud, you know?

Craig: Right. Like, okay. So you don’t really care for Halloween. That’s fine. You are new in the neighborhood. They move into a enormous mansion. Also typical. It’s not like a Gothic mansion, but it is an enormous mansion.

Oh, it’s,

Todd: it’s

Craig: bigger than the Amityville house. It’s got huge. And on the inside, you know, like it’s, it’s just stunning. Like woodwork everywhere. Like a huge, like foyer, like, Oh my God, it’s so ridiculous. But seriously, you, you move into a neighborhood and your neighbors are friendly and greet you and say, we are super enthusiastic about Halloween.

You’re like, yeah, I don’t really care about Halloween. They’re like, well, that’s all right. We’ll help you. I have lots of really cool decorations that I’ll loan you. No. Like, do you not even want to, like, make a good impression on your new neighbors?

Todd: Backing away like he can’t get away fast enough when his wife swings by, doesn’t even introduce her, they just kind of go in and, and then the neighbor just kind of chuckles and walks away.

I mean, I would be offended if I were him. Me too! It’s like, what’s wrong

Craig: with you, buddy? So there’s that guy, and we don’t get enough of him, and then when she goes to school, the daughter, when the daughter goes to school, she meets, like, a little gang of misfits.

Todd: Well, she meets them in the cemetery, actually.

Oh, that’s right. I wanted to talk about this for just a second, like, they go into the town square at first, right? They, like, walk. Everything’s within walking distance in this town. It is that small. Yeah. Oh my gosh. And they walk into the town square and they’re setting up for some kind of festival and this woman pulls up in a truck that has this giant jack o lantern.

I love this prop, actually. I love this prop. Love it. It’s like a truck that’s been transformed and half of it just looks like a big jack o lantern and

Craig: It looks like it’s being eaten by a Yeah. Giant evil jackal. Yeah.

Todd: Out pops the mayor. And she is played by, what, Lauren Lapkus? Yeah. She’s hilarious. Yeah, she’s funny.

And she does like voices and things like that. She’s been in a lot of things.

Craig: Yeah. She did a stint on the Big Bang Theory, but she’s been in a lot of things. And she’s very, very funny.

Todd: She’s the kind of person that I always thought was on Saturday Night Live at some point, but isn’t. Ha ha ha ha. No. Like, she just gives that impression, you know?

Oh, she just gives off the former Saturday Night Live player air. True. And anyway, you know, she’s talking about the festival and the town and welcoming there, and just, it’s just very nice and sweet. I mean, again, there’s like, No real conflict here, we’re not setting up any tension, except for this dumb thing where the dad’s just like, Ew, Halloween, you know, everywhere he turns and is openly disdainful.

But everyone else is like, Eh, yeah, whatever, you know, it’s like they almost ignore it or don’t even notice it. And she says, Oh, we got this festival affair going on. And that’s when she brings up the, people can set up booths or something. And that’s when the bakey thing comes in. And the wife goes, wife’s name is.

Uh,

Clip: so, is there gonna be any food at this festival? Of course, yeah, a lot of the local stores are setting up booths. We got hot dogs, funnel cakes, chowder, everything. Uh, is there gonna be any artisanal vegan baked goods? I don’t know what that means, but sure, why not?

Craig: And this is so one note and stupid to like throughout the course of the movie like she eventually does Eventually she said she leaves it’s Halloween night or whatever and she leaves and she sets up her Bake sale at this festival and they just keep coming back to her either via phone call Like the dad will call her for advice or something or they’ll just come back to her as she’s like sitting there Selling her goods.

And every time she’s selling her goods, she sells it to somebody and they just wanna like throw up. Like it’s the most, like they spit it out. Yeah. At one point she gives something to a priest and he takes a bite of it and she’s like, what do you think? And he says, I’m really not supposed to lie. And hands it back to her and walks

Todd: away.

Oh my god. You’re laughing because it’s so dumb. Yeah, not because it’s funny, because it’s dumb. Because every time we come back to this woman and someone tries her goods, it’s like, Uh, yeah, I know what’s gonna happen. Can we just skip past this scene? It’s also just a stupid joke. I would expect this joke like in the 70s or maybe the 80s.

I don’t expect this joke from a movie that was made two years ago. The idea of laughing about how gluten free and vegan stuff tastes bad, we’re long past that. It doesn’t even taste bad anymore.

Craig: No. I mean, it’s still not my favorite, but come on, it’s ridiculous. And like, it’s such a stupid joke, and like, the end cap on it is at the very end of the movie, when everything works out fine, because this is a kid’s movie, everybody ends up around the island in the kitchen the next morning, and the mom’s like, Here, I made some Cinnamon rolls.

And the dad and the daughter are like, UGH. Like don’t eat them. But the other kids eat them and they’re like, these are so good. So the dad and the daughter eat them too and they’re like, oh man, these are good. What’s in them? And she’s like, butter and sugar and gluten. Like, that’s a funny joke.

Todd: And she says, I just.

Life. I just decided life is too short. This is so dumb as to almost be offensive. That’s how dumb it is. I

Craig: don’t know. Maybe kids would think that was funny. I don’t know. Nobody’s

Todd: gonna think that’s funny now. No, it’s

Craig: really stupid

Todd: and poor Kelly Rowland. Poor her. She had to do this and probably had to know how dumb this was.

Like, if you’re gonna dig into a heaping treasure chest of Hollywood cliches. Why is this the one you had to pull out for this movie in 2022? It’s pretty dumb.

Craig: The mayor tells them also about, you know, I guess it’s their local legend of Stingy Jack. Oh, I

Todd: turned his story into a sweater. That was, oh yeah, that was hilarious.

Funniest line in the whole movie. Oh, I turned his story into a sweater. So she’s got a sweater there that and she points to the different elements on the story

Clip: According to an old Irish legend there once lived a wicked man named Stingy Jack And he was such a jerk that the villagers finally had enough and but the devil felt sorry for Jack so he made him a lantern a Pumpkin carved out with a flame the fires of hell Every Halloween, Jack would return to our town, Bridge Hollow, to seek his revenge on the descendants of the villagers who did him in.

Well, at least that’s what we tell the tourists, am I right?

Todd: It was a very, very simple type story. This is a very cutesy script, and there’s nothing innovative about this backstory.

Craig: They, uh, okay, so you said those, the kids meet in the cemetery. Yes, because, because,

Todd: Sid, the girl, is wandering around downtown, and she is looking down an alley and sees a sign that says, Cemetery service entrance?

Yeah, I know, I thought that was funny too. She just walks off screen down this alley, and in the next shot, she’s in this big open field off a cemetery that’s surrounded by trees and woods. I laughed so hard at that. I wondered if it was an intentional joke. It’s so dumb that I thought it was supposed to be funny.

Like, the cemetery is literally right next to the town square and that whole side of the square behind it is just this giant open field with woods around it.

Didn’t even occur to me. And of course, she’s walking through and whatever and then we get a little jump scare because as she walks by a, uh, what are those, like a tomb, right? They’re above ground, kind of mini mausoleum crypts or whatever. Yeah. The door spring open, and three kids come out of it, and they’re all goth.

Well, two of them are goth, and one of them’s Mario. I mean, that’s his name, he’s not the character Mario. I mean, like, they didn’t make all three of them super goth. Mario’s kind of the out, the odd man out, odd man out.

Craig: Yeah, all three of them are kind of supposed to be like outsider kids. Like, there’s Ramona, she’s really short, and she’s the goth one.

She’s got, like, black hair, and we’re his dad. Dark eyeliner. She’s so cute. She’s tiny, but Jamie’s got like purple hair and she’s dressed in she’s got she has blonde hair But she has like purple streaks in it. She’s very pretty. I mean, they’re all cute They’re all kids, but it’s you know, they set it up like oh, here’s their little gang The whole movie by the way, I’ve been meaning to say it since the beginning.

It reminds me a lot of Goosebumps.

Todd: Yeah

Craig: But I think Goosebumps did it better.

Todd: Way better.

Craig: I mean, I don’t want to talk bad about this movie, because ultimately I really get Watching it was a really enjoyable experience.

Todd: I also want to say I’m lovingly making fun of it, because the movie has a bad I didn’t read any of the reviews, but all I saw was like, it’s like a 28 or 38 percent on Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic.

I didn’t even want to read any any a word anybody said about it, because, again, like you, I enjoyed it for what it was, And I’m not going to be too harsh on it, because I think they probably made what they intended to make. They clearly weren’t trying to break any new ground here. They were just trying to make, again, I think like the equivalent of one of those like Hallmark Christmas movies for Halloween and for kids.

So, you know, but I mean, come on. They didn’t try very hard to, you know, color outside of the lines here, you know.

Craig: That’s what I’m saying, like, missed opportunities, because then I thought that this, you know, much like Goosebumps was gonna follow this little ragtag group of kids, but it doesn’t. They’re just kind of hanging out in the background too, and ultimately, I don’t even remember exactly how it happens.

Sidney is in her attic, or goes up to the attic for some reason. No

Todd: she doesn’t! Oh, I can’t wait to talk about this too! Alright, cause I just finished watching it, that’s why it’s so much fresher in my mind. But I made a note, so, at the behest of these kids, because these kids tell her, Oh, you’re the one who just moved into the old Madam Hawthorne’s house, which by the way happens to be the crypt that they walked out of too.

Yeah. And I didn’t know that Crypts in cemeteries just had swinging doors where you could walk in and out of them and nobody gave a shit. They’re locked, but that’s how this cemetery works. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, uh, they’re like, oh, well, you know, they say that her go, her spirit still haunts that place. And she’s like, really?

And they’re like, yeah, we’ve got some homework for you. So she comes home. She goes upstairs by herself into someone’s bedroom down the hall, opens up an iPad, and a Ouija board app. Puts her fingers on the planchette on the touchscreen on the Ouija board app. And I’m like, how is this app supposed to work?

Does the planchette like Move under your fingers, and you’re just supposed to move your fingers along with it or something? Like

Craig: Also, she did not read the terms of agreement, because what is the first rule of Ouija boards? You gotta have more people! You never do it alone. She’s lucky she didn’t get possessed.

I guess so, I just I’ve seen that movie.

Todd: Many times. So anyway, then after she does this, I don’t know, some little wind blows and some spooky sounds happen. And then down at the end of the hall in this beautiful house, a door slowly creaks open. She walks into that door and suddenly we’re like in the f ing attic.

This beautiful house with this second floor, with these rooms and bedrooms and everything is modern and beautiful. For some reason they decided to leave one room. Unfinished from the 19th from the 1850s completely unfinished to the point where there are cobwebs You know laugh and plaster walls you’re seeing in here like nobody stepped in there for

Craig: 50 I don’t remember but are you sure she didn’t go up some stairs because it definitely felt like an attic

Todd: She never went upstairs Stairs, that is the funny thing about this opens the door and steps into this room.

Again, I thought the movie was with me, you know, I thought the movie was trying to be silly, but no, it was really that way. And yeah, she just kind of like trips over some things and knocks a skateboard, which like hits like a tricycle, which hits a lamp and ends up falling into one of these walls.

Craig: Yeah.

It’s like a Rube Goldberg mousetrap type series of events. Something then falls. Into and breaks through a wall and she looks in there and there’s a trunk in there and she pulls it out and She opens it up and there’s an old fashioned Jack o lantern and it’s funny because it’s it’s a whole joke. It’s a turnip It’s a jack o lantern made out of and that’s that’s that tracks Is a legit thing.

Like, yeah, that’s in the olden days. Right. And then more things happen. I don’t remember exactly how it gets set up, but there’s this building conflict between her and her dad. Like he’s so into science and wants her to be into science, but she wants to do other things and she wants to be in the paranormal society and, and the mom is trying to mediate and trying to get the dad to loosen up a little bit.

It all ends up on Halloween night. They’re in the kitchen together. And they’re arguing about something. Yeah. And she has, and she has that jack o lantern.

Todd: Well, I mean, we got there because Dad was gonna forbid her from doing Halloween stuff. He’s like, you don’t do that. Like, we’re not gonna do that. We’re not a superstitious people or something like that.

I mean, he’s a major buzzkill. Dad is. Oh God, yeah. And by the way, We’ve been to the school, because Dad, you know, is the new science teacher there, so he’s introduced to his classroom, and that’s when we meet the principal. Who is this happy go lucky dude who’s played by John

Craig: Michael Higgins. He’s so funny.

He’s delightful. He’s

Todd: always delightful. He’s been in a million things, and Best of Show, and all that stuff. But yeah, so, he was fun, and I just gotta point this part out, too. Like, the dad opens a cabinet. In his room that’s supposed to have chemicals in it and out springs a plastic skeleton that falls on him and he freaks out Like this is the scariest thing that has happened to him in a long time And he’s so shaken by it.

Even when the kids are streaming into the classroom Marlon Wayans just a stand there like oh Staring at that skeleton in the closet. Oh my God, you know when we did the worst witch and you know They were playing terror tag or whatever. Yeah, I felt like this was like Along those same lines. Really?

You’re that scared of I mean, I know you hate halloween. You’re all scientific. He’s scared

Craig: of skeletons Oh, right. He tells that story later like the reason that he is It’s so sciency, it’s because one time when he was a kid, he was playing around an old house or something and, I don’t know, like the floor fell out from underneath him and he fell into the cellar.

When he looked around, the cellar was full of stuff. Skeletons, but they were alive and they were like coming for him and then he was terrified but then the doctors explained to him that sometimes people who get concussions hallucinate and So he had a scientific reason For what happened. And so he knew that everything real had a scientific explanation and that’s why he just cannot wrap his head around anything, but you’re right.

Like he is just such a buzzkill. Like my guy, I get it. Like you’re not into it. That’s cool. Your daughter wants to do it. Like, just,

Todd: what is your problem? Your daughter goes by the, the Yoder’s general store and buys a rubber bat and hangs it over the door, which, as he comes home, he sees it and he yanks it down like he’s angry.

He walks into the kitchen, opens up the trash can, and chucks it in there. Like, alright, maybe you don’t like the fact that she has this bat, but your daughter bought that bat. Are you gonna throw that away?

Craig: And it’s one little tiny decoration, like, calm, Down, sir. Right. But we haven’t even gotten to the fun part of the movie, like, so, like, she, for, she lights the jack o lantern, the, the turnip jack o lantern, um, and then he blows it out but it comes back, it lights back up again, he blows it out and comes, like, it keeps coming on and eventually he throws it in the trash can and then the trash can starts shaking and that bat, that toy bat, that decoration bat that he threw in there flies out and it’s got red eyes.

And it like flies all around and scares them and they’re freaking out or whatever. But eventually it flies out of the house and across the street into a cauldron in a Halloween display with witches.

Todd: With these awesome witches.

Craig: Oh, it’s great. And the, and the cauldron kind of starts to glow red and then the witch’s eyes turn red and they come alive and, and go flying and like they fly across the moon.

It’s so great. All of this is amazing. Like, I love this. It’s so much and

Todd: appropriately scary. I mean, I was like, man, those witches are bad ass and it is so cool and they’re cackling.

Craig: Yeah. It’s, it’s, it’s great. I mean, it takes time and there’s a series of scenes, but what happens is it’s like it spreads. I think the dad even says sometimes it’s like a virus, like it spreads and it does.

Todd: He says it’s like, it’s like a virus, which makes sense because it started with the bat. Oh my God.

This movie would be banned in China for that alone. I’m just telling you that right now.

Craig: There are also, I thought they made a mistake because I think this is a fun movie that some, like, if you see this when you’re a kid, I think maybe this will be something that you really enjoy and cling to. And I thought that they made a mistake by including some jokes and references that will clearly date it.

Yeah. I mean, that’s one of them, obviously, but I feel like there are just other like pop culture references. Yeah. One of my favorite things is one of the things, like the bat, that is spreading this around is a cat, but it’s like a two dimensional, like, plywood cat that’s running around spreading it, and it spreads it to the neighbor who has the zombies, and the zombies come alive, and those are the first things that the dad and the daughter really have to confront.

And the daughter is awesome. I don’t think she’s well written. I think that the girl who plays her is great. And I just think that she had to say the words that were written. And yeah, she’s all the time. Just like dad, come on. Like, look, it’s real. Like dad. It’s just the two of them bickering back and forth all the time and the movie is supposed to be about them Learning about each other and building a relationship, but it doesn’t

Todd: work.

No, there’s no moments. There’s no build It’s just you know They have these action scenes and dad’s got to do something and then she has to convince him and then he Kind of starts to understand, I mean, at some point I was like, come on, what you, you really think there’s a scientific explanation for this?

Like all these spiders just came to life.

Craig: The zombies come to life. He did. Oh, those are great animatronics.

Todd: No,

Craig: come on. Come on. Yeah, it’s ridiculous. Yeah, that happens. And then you’re right. Then I don’t remember. They go to the school at some point. I was saying another thing that dates it. The kids. The, the, the nerdy paranormal kids.

Mario is dressed like Hamilton, right?

Todd: Yeah.

Craig: And Ramona is dressed as Cruella. That’s pretty timeless. That’s fine. I couldn’t figure out who the third one was supposed to, was she supposed to be Tanya Harding?

Todd: I have no idea. Even Tanya Harding is a dated reference. Come on.

Craig: I couldn’t figure it out. Somebody, somebody tell us in the comments who she was supposed to be, because she was clearly supposed to be somebody specific.

I couldn’t figure it out. Very eighties and they look great and it’s fun. I don’t remember if it’s before or after that, because again, at this point it just seems like vignettes. They’re just going from location to location for new things. All of this is because of Jack, whatever, Stingy Jack.

Todd: At some point we get a backstory.

Yeah, cause they go to, cause Sully, after, you know, fighting off the, the Zombies. I don’t remember why, he overhears them say something about Hawthorne or whatever, and he says, Oh, her, and she’s like, And the girl’s like, no, she can’t still be alive. He’s like, oh, I thought you were talking about her granddaughter.

Her granddaughter’s still alive, she’s at the nursing home. So they decide to go to the nursing home to talk to the granddaughter, who is a freaky looking herself. Yeah. She’s an old lady with white, I guess Cataracts. Cataracts. Eyes, or whatever, yeah, but she tells the story of when she was a little girl, her mother and her witch friends held a seance at their house in order to contain the spirit of Jack, and he didn’t go well, and eventually they were able to contain him, Jack wanted to come back more they had made an agreement that he could come back every Halloween for a day?

I didn’t

Craig: really get that. It didn’t make sense. Somehow, like, he made a deal with the devil that if he could Find a different soul to give back to the devil then he could Stay and then it would be Halloween all the time. You

Todd: had to like possess somebody basically or something

Craig: No, I think he has to take like there’s like there’s this big vortex to hell I guess that opens up at midnight on Halloween.

He’s got to toss someone down there. He’s got to toss somebody in there Oh, okay, like I didn’t quite catch that bit And then he can stay and it’ll be Halloween all the time. All right, whatever. I don’t know so they talked to that Creepy old lady like she was funny. I think that she’s an old Hollywood actress.

I don’t know I looked at her imdb page and it was a black and white picture of her when she was younger So she’s obviously been around a long time But the whole nursing home is decorated in spider webs and spiders and a giant spider

Todd: more effort I’m sad. I’m, sorry to say than any nursing home usually puts Forward for decorations.

Craig: Yeah, I haven’t done it in a long time, but the nursing homes around here are great I’ve taken little kids around to trick or treat cause those, the old folks love seeing the kids in their Halloween costumes. But anyway, all the spiders come alive and they have to have a big spider battle. And then, and Oh God, the dad like sciences out and mixes chemicals to make some acidic like supernatural bug spray.

Todd: It’s one thing that

Craig: he

Todd: gets MacGyver about it, but on the other hand, he’s always like, Pop quiz! What happens when you mix X with X and blah blah blah? He’s trying to make some science lesson, like he’s continually trying to prove a point, or continually trying to teach his daughter, you know, lessons in chemistry.

Well,

Craig: and in do I don’t even know if they talked about this in the movie, but in doing that, like, he’s always talking to her like she’s so And she’s not, like, she’s super smart. Like, she, she knows all this stuff. So, then, I feel like that’s when they go to the school, and there’s, like, a haunted maze in the school.

There’s,

Todd: like, two of them, yeah. Well, there’s a haunted carnival, creepy carnival, and that was awesome.

Craig: Yes, yeah, this whole thing is great. Like, they had mentioned it earlier because her new friends were going to be working at, I don’t remember what it was called, something about a, some kind of haunted maze.

And they were going to be working at it, and so I was excited.

Todd: And real quick, the reason why they go to the school is because, The woman, I think, tells them that there’s a grimoire, like the, the spells that her grandmother had were in a book, that the kid looks up online to find where the book is, and, oh, it was sold off on auction to this guy who happens to be at the school now, so that’s why they go there.

Craig: Right. I mean, there is connective tissue, like Oh, it’s

Todd: so thin and so dumb. I know, it

Craig: just does I, I feel like it doesn’t matter.

Todd: No.

Craig: You know, they, they, they get to the school, and then they get chased around by really scary clowns. Like, they’re really scary. Yeah. I loved the shots from above of them in the maze.

Like they’re running around in the maze and the clowns are chasing them. And it, it was scary to see, you know, there’s just one very small partition between them and these killer clowns. And then they’re just turning a corner just in time to get away. Like I really liked it. Yeah, it was good. Like it was a really fun.

Fun viewing experience. And then at the end, the dad and the kids meet up, they, they get out of the maze and they meet up and they have to fight one of the clowns who has an axe. And yes, the, the dad fights him for a minute. And then the girl comes in and like, she’s like the karate kid. And she like, like swing kicks Emily.

Todd: How about when Marlon Wayans squares up with that one clown and goes, homie, don’t play that. Before

Craig: he kicks him. That was. I did laugh out loud at that. I did too. I had almost forgot about Homey the Clown. Oh boy. Homey

Todd: the Clown, don’t mess around. Oh gosh. Even when he’s up, the man’ll bring him down. You know, I loved this bit.

I mean, obviously, it’s a little suspect that these decorative clowns and things that they’re gonna have in this have actual axes and machetes. I know, right?

Craig: Yeah, I mean, it’s a little bit difficult to understand the rules of it because when those clowns come alive, they are clearly men in clown suits.

Todd: Yeah.

Craig: But like you said, any time they are dispatched or dismembered, There’s no blood or gore, it’s just, like, props. And you know they die because their red lights go out.

Todd: Yeah, so how are they actually getting dispe yeah, what does it take to, like, dismember it to the point where no bit of it moves anymore?

Yeah, it’s kind of hard to say.

Craig: Well, and it’s one thing when a cardboard Halloween cat is chasing you around. It’s it’s just from a viewing perspective, the zombies are the same way. Like, they’re clearly Real.

Todd: Yeah.

Craig: Whereas some of the things maintain their look like, I don’t know. Again, there’s this whole chase for, they’re looking for this book and the guy who was supposed to have it sold it on eBay and he doesn’t know who bought it, but he knows the address ’cause it was 6, 6, 6.

So they

Todd: walk to 666 Elm Street, which it’s like, really? If you sold it to a guy, you didn’t need to mail it. It seems like you could have just walked this

Craig: to his son. You sold it to a guy on the internet who lives down the street

Todd: in town. And

Craig: it’s the principal, who is low key a devil worshiper, right? Well, he claims to not

Clip: be.

Floyd. Uh huh. What are you, some type of Satanist or something? Oh jeepers no, Howard. Howard! I’m a principal in a very small town with a very big Christian population. No, no, no, I just Collect things, you know, some people collect stamps some people collect butterflies I collect objects related to the eternal damnation of the human soul

Craig: I think he’s a low key Satanist because then at the end, when they win, he’s like, I’ve switched teams.

I don’t know. But his yard is decorated. It’s great. It’s fantastic. It’s so good. I wish that I had the money and the time and the storage space to set up a whole like football team of skeletons. It’s just skeletons and football jerseys and helmets. And it’s great. He’s a

Todd: principal with school spirit. I like this guy.

Craig: Right. They find the spell, they find the spell book, but then the skeletons come alive, and there’s a whole And remember, the dad is scared of skeletons. And they fight them, and then I think they all end up down in the basement, and then the dad and this daughter have, or somebody, I don’t know, they have a talk about

Todd: She gives him a lame pep talk.

Quick, this little pep talk that changes his whole worldview in, uh, in 30 seconds. Dad!

Clip: What is wrong with you? The skeletons. Ah, they’re coming through! What do we do? So it’s unexplainable. So what? They’re real. And you know what you can do to something that’s real? You can kick its ass!

Craig: And he’s like, okay, so he grabs the chainsaw

and he goes upstairs and there is a whole big scene of him taking out these skeletons with the chainsaw and it’s fun.

Todd: I loved it. It’s super fun. It’s another reason why I wouldn’t show this to my seven year old though. Even though they were clearly props and they’re skeletons or whatever, he lops limbs off, he cuts them.

It’s almost like what Art the Clown would do, you know, except This is just dust and, and bones and whatnot. Still not ready for my son to see. A chainsaw being wielded in that manner on humanoid like creatures.

Craig: Let’s just put it that way. I get it. And I don’t disagree with you,

Todd: but it’s awesome.

Craig: It’s so much fun.

Todd: Yeah, it’s a lot of fun.

Craig: In all of the ruckus, the spell book gets, all the pages come out and flutter all around, and the page with the spell gets burned. They hear a weird rumbling, and then when they go outside, all of the decorations from all of the yards are gone, and they’re like, Oh no, what’s happening?

And they’re like, oh, they must be gathering. And they’re gonna gather in the town square where the festival is, because at the festival they have a giant stingy jack. And whoever wins the pumpkin carving ceremony, that pumpkin gets to be Stingy Jack’s head. So, the kids and the Wayans brother, uh, head towards town, but on the way, they stop by the ceremony cemetery to go to the Hawthorne Crypt to do a seance.

Yes, because they have to get they have to get the spell because the spell got burned up the old lady Hawthorne in the flashback is played by Nia Vardalos of my big fat Greek wedding and then she possesses Marlon Wayans and talks through him and one of the girls records it for Tik Tok and then they leave.

Right, and all of the Halloween decorations have gathered in the town square and the the townspeople have put the giant pumpkin on Stingy Jack’s head and The mayor is leading the ceremony and when all of the Halloween decorations show up she thinks it’s like their rival town Coming to mess up their festival and so she kind of like leads a charge with her town To like face off with them.

Todd: It’s so dumb I guess it’s supposed to be funny because this sweet like very peppy and very Gung Ho Mayor, who just seems so nice, has got it in for, like, Shelbyville, basically, you know.

Craig: I know, her character is so funny. I really like that actress, Lauren Lapkus. I think she’s really, really funny. She does a really odd accent.

Like, she’s got, like, uh, Bronx, like, I

Clip: Yeah.

Craig: It’s weird, like, what are you doing? Nobody else in that town has that accent. It

Todd: doesn’t even fit. I was waiting at some point for her to like, say something like, Oh yeah, I moved here from New York too, or something like that. But, I don’t know, it’s

Craig: really weird.

But anyway, so it all culminates. The dad and, and the kids all get to the square. And then Jack comes alive. And, and like flames like burst out of his mouth and eyes and I loved, God, I loved this.

Todd: This was good.

Craig: The Stingy Jack character at the end when he comes alive and oh man, it was great. It’s got an 80s vibe to me for some reason.

I’m not sure why. I know why. The real

Todd: Ghostbusters or. Also hints and shades of Return to Oz are in there. You know, with the Jack character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then also, you know, we did the Disney Legend of Sleepy Hollow for our patrons. And that cartoon, you know, has that flaming pumpkin in it. And the flames, like, shoot out of the pumpkin.

Out of its eyes and its nose. It all kind of came together for me. And kind of that feeling. It was cool. A little bit of Nightmare Before Christmas, too. I think there’s a pumpkin character. That looks a lot like that. Yeah.

Craig: Yeah, I loved it. It’s great. He’s big, you know, like he’s really big. I would say he’s probably like 10 feet tall.

He’s huge. The dad and the daughter look for the mom because she was at her bake sale, but she’s gone and they know that Jack needs both. His lantern and a soul to trade at midnight. And they’re like, Oh no, because mom is at home listening to R& B, drinking wine.

Todd: Not as devastated as she should be that slowly everybody spit her food back into their face.

You know,

Craig: then she’s even like trying her own food and she’s like, Ooh, it is gross. And she’s like knocking her scone on a plate. And it like makes a clanking sound. Yeah. Scones are hard. Like scones are hard. It’s fine.

Todd: That’s the worst thing. It’s a dumb joke. You should have made it like, I don’t know, like an angel thing.

Food cake that was that hard or something right so stupid.

Craig: But anyway, he’s there. He skulks around He doesn’t actually get her before they show up the dad and the daughter show up they show up But then he does get her and then the bat is also back and causing problems and the dad and the daughter like there It’s like a moment like he he has to go rescue his wife.

He doesn’t want the daughter to kill Come because he doesn’t want her to be in danger or something, but like he has to trust her to take care of herself I don’t know like again, like I said, there’s some that’s what the the character growth is supposed to be He’s supposed to be learning that she’s growing up and he’s got to let go a little bit and like they they play act it Like it’s in the script, but it just doesn’t read.

Todd: Because they’ve been fighting these monsters the whole time. I mean, like, there’s no real change. Like, Oh, I don’t know. It just, it’s silly. It’s silly.

Craig: And so he goes in and he has to read the spell and he does, but it’s not working. And the daughter’s like, you have to really believe in it. So he reads it in English.

Todd: he, apparently to

Craig: believe it, he has to say it in English and he does. And Skinny Jack gets sucked into the hell vortex. And then they’re fine. And then it’s the next morning and everything’s fine and everybody’s happy and all the kids are there and everything’s great. And then he and the daughter go up to the attic and they’re gonna seal up the jack o lantern.

They can’t just destroy it because that might let him out again. I don’t remember ever hearing that. Right. I guess they’re just being cautious. I don’t know. Whatever. So they put it back in the trunk and they cover it in chemical flame retardant. Right. And they lock it back up and they have a little heart to heart about how, you know, he realizes she’s getting older and she can do things on her own and he trusts her and blah, blah, blah.

Please. And then I don’t know, somebody knocks something over and the Rube Goldberg thing happens again, breaks through another part of the wall and they look in there. And it’s full of locked trunks. And I think the last line of the movie is, Oh, hell no.

Todd: Oh my god. That about summed it up, really. I’m surprised that Marlon Wayans even uttered that line.

Craig: my god, I thought it was really funny.

Todd: How dumb. Again, so dumb as to almost be offensive.

Craig: Uh, no, I thought it was hilarious. Also, when they were having their heart to heart, Or no, no, no, gosh, no. It was when they were still down at the, uh, uh, standing around the, the kitchen island having cinnamon rolls.

They were saying something about how wild last night was. And I think it was Ramona said, Huh? You think that was wild? You should see what this town does for Christmas. And I was like, Oh my God, that is hilarious. Like just totally setting it up for a sequel. And then of course they, you know, they could do, A sequel with all of those other trunks too and I don’t think they will cause I haven’t heard anything.

I haven’t heard anything about it. I don’t think this movie did well enough necessarily to warrant a sequel, but for all of the crap that we’ve given it and I think that we’ve been really fair in that regard. It was a fun watch. I had fun watching it and and so I would 100 percent recommend it again.

The writing isn’t great. I don’t care. I don’t care because the, the stuff that I’m seeing and the stuff that is happening is, is so fun and it’s so Halloween y. I’m glad we saved it for the last one because of all the ones that we’ve seen, this one is just, it feels like such just a celebration of Halloween.

Todd: Yeah.

Craig: And for that, for that, I, I really like it.

Todd: Yeah, I, I agree with you on all that. I’ll admit, I got a little bored about halfway through because it was just so predictable, and Yeah. You know, you could see where it’s going, there was nothing innovate nothing real edgy, like I said, even not even really attempting to be edgy in any way, shape, or form.

And so, I did get a little bored about halfway through it, but this is like a, that’s because I’m a 40 something year old guy watching it alone, you know, this is a family movie, you know, this is something you would sit down with your family and have a ball with, so, uh, it’s, it was made for that, it delivered, I think, on what it was made for, it’s a shame it couldn’t be a little more creative and clever and original but It fits the bill and the special effects really made up for it If the special effects had not been as good it would have been pretty a pretty lame movie Yeah, that redeems it to some degree It’s just the production value is high and the star power of it is is high You know Netflix has big pockets and yeah They do and they can put things like this together and then they do and I mean the fact that there isn’t a sequel to It should kind of show you because you know, sometimes it doesn’t matter what the critics think If audiences eat it up, it could be critically panned, but if it got a lot of views on Netflix, they’re gonna make a sequel, or they’re gonna do something with it.

Oh god,

Craig: yeah, Netflix is totally driven by numbers, that’s all they care about.

Todd: Yeah, and it doesn’t seem like, just by evidence of the fact that we’ve seen nothing moving on that front, it’s probably also didn’t get the viewership that they were hoping, so. But you know. A perfect Halloween movie. I’m so glad we saved this for the last week, because it’s Halloween through and through.

It’s a good Halloween movie to watch with your family. Don’t expect too much from it. Just sit back and enjoy the spirit of the season.

Craig: Yeah, it’s fun. I mean, it’s like going to a haunted house or a haunted attraction. Like, there’s just so many fun things to look at. Like, that’s what, honestly, that’s what the movie feels like.

It feels like you’re moving from room to room in

Todd: a

Craig: haunted attraction.

Todd: For sure.

Craig: And it’s fun. I love that stuff.

Todd: We did it because you recommended it. You, you saw it last year and you thought it would be good for us to do. We did it this year, and I’m glad we did. So thank you, Craig. Happy Halloween to all of you.

We hope that you, uh, have enjoyed this month and that you’ve still got a couple more days to go for the big day, so get your preparations in order. We would love to see what you’re doing. If you’re decorating your lawn or putting together a pretty awesome costume, post some pictures for us on our patrons page as well, if you’re a patron.

Otherwise, you know, you can search Two Guys and a Chainsaw podcast. And you can find our Facebook page, our website, all of those places, uh, you know, you’re able to, uh, interact with us and comment back. We’d love to hear what you are doing for Halloween and, uh, see some cool pictures from around the world until next time I’m Todd and I’m Craig with Two Guys and a Chainsaw.

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The Curse of Bridge Hollow

2 Guys And A Chainsaw - A Horror Movie Review Podcast

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