291 How to Find Freedom from Anger and Build Healthier Family Relationships Through Faith

Your Hope-Filled Perspective with Dr. Michelle Bengtson podcast

Episode Summary:

Our guest on this episode, Kathy Collard Miller, was raised by a very angry mother. The more Kathy tried to suppress her anger, the more it surfaced. Over time, Kathy found herself expressing her anger toward her husband and her daughter, and in her own words, abusing her daughter. Kathy shares her painful wounds in this episode, as well as the story of redemption and the beautiful sacred scars God has given her.

Quotables from the episode:

• Sometimes when we talk about pain or wounds, that pain comes at the hand of another. Sometimes we have no explanation for why it happens (like a medical diagnosis), and sometimes we participate in choices that end up hurting us in the long run.
• Frequently our greatest areas of ministry come out of our greatest areas of pain.
• I have a unique story because not only was I wounded, but I wounded others in turn.
• As a child, I didn’t know I had anger building up inside of me until in third grade I hit my best friend in the nose. To this day, I have no recollection what I was so angry about that would prompt me to be aggressive. As my friend ran away sobbing, I thought to myself, “See what happens when you get angry, Kathy? You’d better never get angry again!”
• Buried anger doesn’t go anywhere except making a volcano.
• Also in the third grade, I was sexually harmed, although I didn’t know that that was what it was called, but I thought it was my fault and that I should have prevented it. So the anger toward myself began to build.
• My mother was orphaned at the age of ten, resulting in her own anger issues toward me that built up inside of me. I didn’t know it would be detrimental toward others later, but I’ve also found it to be something that God has used in amazing ways.
• I was never taught how to appropriately deal with my anger. As a little girl who tried to be perfect to prevent me from overreacting in anger, I then thought that God must be disappointed in me and that he was expecting me to be angry.
• Because of the messages I was taught when I was growing up, I pictured God in heaven with his arms crossed saying, “Kathy, when are you going to be perfect so I can love you?”
• After I became a Christian at 17, I married my husband, Larry. But all the anger that had built up in me started coming out toward him because his promise of being my perfect, Godly, prince charming didn’t come true and left me totally disappointed. I interpreted that as there was something wrong with me.
• I began to believe I wasn’t loved or cared for and that came out in bitterness, anger, criticism, never being happy, or never being thankful for what my husband did do.
• I began to displace my anger toward my husband on to my two-year-old daughter because when she misbehaved, I interpreted that as “I am a horrible mother.” In the end, I began to physically abuse her.
• I kept praying for an instantaneous deliverance of my anger and when God didn’t do that, I believed God had given up on me, and I almost took my life. But God intervened.
• We have to feel it to heal it, meaning we have to acknowledge the pain. Then we have to choose to engage in the healing process. When we don’t choose the path of healing, other things will happen and there will be consequences of that, until one day it comes out at a less opportune time and a less opportune way.
• Scripture talks about the importance of getting wise counsel. There is no shame in needing help. Seek out a trusted friend, a mentor, a counselor, a coach, or a pastor and get help. Do not try to handle your pain alone.
• When people didn’t follow through with what they said they were going to do, I concluded that I was worthless.
• My healing began when I got the courage to share my sin with the women in my Bible study that I led in my neighborhood. They began to hold me accountable, and they prayed for me. I started taking parenting classes and reading books and I read in the Bible Ephesians 4:26, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
• I can be angry, but surrender whatever it is that I think I deserve that’s causing my anger.
• God showed me that I was making my husband an idol because I was expecting him to be responsible for my happiness and contentment. That brought me to the place where I could acknowledge God was the only one who could fully meet my needs. And whether or not my husband ever changed, that was up to God.
• As God began to have me share my story, other women would come up to tell me that they struggled with the same thing but had never told anyone else.
• My relationship with my daughter and our family is healed. She has always supported my ministry sharing with others how I treated her. She loves God. I thought I had destroyed her, but God has redeemed us and brought about a sacred scar. There is always hope with the Lord.
• What the enemy intended for evil, God is using for good.
• There is healing when we share our story in safe places. We need to get wise, safe counsel so that we don’t go back into the hiding. Satan loves secrets and he loves to cause us to hide and isolate.
• My journey of healing came little by little by little.
• When we have thoughts, we need to stop and ask, “Is this the truth according to scripture?” If it is, we allow it in. But if it is not, we need to reject it, and recite God’s truth.
• If God can deliver a child abuser on the verge of suicide, God can help you!
• I was more concerned about Jesus’s reputation than my own.

Scripture References:

• Ephesians 4:26 NIV “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”
• Genesis 50:20 NIV “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”
• Revelation 12:11 NIV “They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”
• 2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
• James 5:16 NIV “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

Recommended Resources:

• Anger Management, Jesus Style by Kathy Collard Miller
• No More Anger: Hope for An Out of Control Mom by Kathy Collard Miller
• Sacred Scars: Resting in God’s Promise That Your Past Is Not Wasted by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• The Hem of His Garment: Reaching Out to God When Pain Overwhelms by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• YouVersion 5-Day Devotional Reaching Out To God When Pain Overwhelms
• Today is Going to be a Good Day: 90 Promises to Start Your Day Off Right by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the AWSA 2023 Inspirational Gift Book of the Year Award, the Christian Literary Awards Reader’s Choice Award in four categories, and the Christian Literary Awards Henri Award for Devotionals
• YouVersion 7-Day Devotional, Today is Going to be a Good Day
• YouVersion 7-Day Devotional, Today is Going to be Another Good Day
• Breaking Anxiety’s Grip: How to Reclaim the Peace God Promises by Dr. Michelle Bengtson
• Breaking Anxiety’s Grip Free Study Guide
• Free 7-Day YouVersion Bible Reading Plan for Breaking Anxiety’s Grip
• Hope Prevails: Insights from a Doctor’s Personal Journey Through Depression by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
• Hope Prevails Bible Study by Dr. Michelle Bengtson, winner of the Christian Literary Award Reader’s Choice Award
• Trusting God Through Cancer 1
• Trusting God Through Cancer 2
• Revive & Thrive Women's Conference
• Subdue Stress and Anxiety: Fifteen Experts Offer Comprehensive Tools in Ten Minutes a Day. Use my link plus discount code BENG99 to save $90 on course (course will be $99.)
• Free Download: How To Fight Fearful/Anxious Thoughts and Win

Social Media Links for Guest and Host:

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Guest:

Kathy Collard Miller (www.KathyCollardMiller.com) is the author of over 60 books including women’s Bible studies, a memoir, Christian living books and Bible commentaries. She is also a popular women’s conference speaker who has shared in over 30 US states and 9 foreign countries. She has been married to Larry for 55 years, is the mother of two and grandmother of two and lives in Boise, Idaho.

Hosted By: Dr. Michelle Bengtson Audio Technical Support: Bryce Bengtson