Invisible Wounds Healing From Trauma Episode 19: What is an Abusive Relationship?

Invisible Wounds: Healing From Trauma

Hey there, it’s Kerri! Thank you so much for joining me on this latest episode of Invisible Wounds Healing from Trauma. This is episode 19 and we’re going to talk about what an abusive relationship is, and what it looks like! I’m going to add a disclaimer here, because we are going to be discussing specific aspects of Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence and it could be triggering. If it is, pause the episode. Do some mindful belly breathing, or any of the other tools we’ve learned, or one you like to use to get grounded, centered, and feel safe. Then come back when you’re ready.

I’m so glad that we’re walking the path towards healing together!

So just a quick reminder, I’m not a clinician, counselor, or physician. I’m a Certified Trauma Support Specialist with lots of lived experience with trauma. Also, the information presented in this podcast is for educational purposes only and not meant to replace treatment by a doctor or any other licensed professional. An added note: If you are in a relationship where your safety, mental, physical, and emotional health are at risk, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help in leaving the relationship safely and other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

Alright let’s dive in!

In the last few episodes, we talked about what a healthy and unhealthy relationship looks like. While unhealthy relationships can at times FEEL abusive, there is a big difference! This topic is so important to me personally! As a survivor and as someone who has worked with other survivors for over 12 years now, it couldn’t be more important! An abusive relationship is defined as one where there are patterns of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Yes of course you can be abused by people in other kinds of relationships like with family members. But we are talking today about a relationship involving two people in a romantic or intimate partner situation.

I’ll start off by saying abusers are slick! They hide who they really are until we’re hooked. To everyone else, they are wonderful people: they are charming, well-mannered, funny, everyone loves them. They seem to be “pillars” of the community, they help everyone out. They can seem to be a great friend, the one everyone can always count on. That’s the front they put on for the rest of the world. That isn’t who they are behind closed doors. They KNOW that what they do to their partner could get them into trouble, so they hide it very well!

When we first meet them, they don’t have giant red warning labels on the screaming “danger, warning, run away!” They should, but they don’t. We are taken in by their charm, sense of humor, looks, manners, everything. I know when I met my abuser, I thought he was everything I could ever want in a partner. He was handsome, funny, charming in that “bad boy” southern way, everything about him drew me in. They shower us with love, kindness, caring, and they pay attention to everything we say. It's called love bombing. They listen to us, HEAR us. For those of us with a trauma history, It’s like catnip to a cat! We soak up all that love and attention we didn’t get growing up. We can also be drawn in to their “intensity.” They are passionate about things. Often, right after we start seeing them and for me it was like a week later, they look deeply into our eyes and say something like “I’ve never felt this way before about anyone, but I’m in love with you!” Sound familiar? With almost every survivor I’ve worked with, this is how it started! Things can move very quickly after that. I know I pretty much moved in with my abuser almost immediately. We feel like we’re wrapped up in this cocoon of love and warmth, it’s bliss! We begin taking care of them, they need us, so those of us with a caregiver’s tendency fall right into our familiar patterns. We love them, so it’s natural that we should want to take care of them, make them happy, right? In the beginning, they seem to care for us too, do little things for us just to make us happy…but at some point, the scales begin to tip and the balance begins to shift...

It could begin at any point, and “seemingly” innocent enough. Maybe they start making little comments about things we are doing, or NOT doing. Maybe the meal we made was not quite right. Maybe the laundry we did for them came out a little wrinkled, and they don’t like wrinkles. Maybe they make a little comment about what we are wearing on a particular day. Small things, nothing major. We apologize profusely, promise to do things better next time. They seem satisfied, and life goes on. Then, maybe when something isn’t to their liking next time, they yell at us, or say something nasty to us. It startles us, it “stings” more than what they’d said to us before. They might follow their behavior up with “I’m sorry” or “I didn’t mean it” trying to make it seem better. Again, we apologize, feeling like we just can’t do things correctly, obviously it’s OUR fault, right?

They also don’t want us to go anywhere or do anything without them. When a relationship is new and exciting, it seems normal to want to be with that person most or all of the time. To do things with them, experience things together. However, over time, this being “joined at the hip” behavior becomes controlling. We might not even seem to be able to go to the grocery store alone or run an errand without them coming along. If we do, they might begin questioning us about what we did, who we saw, did we go anywhere else, etc. They might be suspicious of who we were around, even going so far as to accuse us of cheating on them. After a while, to avoid these situations, we either have them come with us, or we don’t go anywhere at all. When I had my car, my abuser would take parts off of it and put them under his pillow at night while he slept, making sure I couldn’t leave.

Also, over time, and almost without our knowing it, they start cutting us off from friends and even family. At first, they go with us to family get-togethers, or to see our friends. But soon, they begin to make comments, expressing their dislike for these people in our lives. Perhaps they make comments about how they feel these other people “treat us” or that they felt they saw these people manipulate us, talk down to us, whatever it might be. We may begin to question these other people’s motives, thinking that your abuser must be right, WE must be missing something. We might start making excuses as to why we can’t come to get togethers with our family or friends. We opt out in order to “keep the peace” at home. After a while, people quit asking or inviting us. This adds to the isolation, cutting us off from any support system we might have had. The abuser tells us that THEY are all we need! But their friends, family, connections are important. My abuser’s friends were always around, the party was always at our house. They watched as he abused me in almost every way, and no one ever stepped in to help me. I also helped take care of his father who had very advanced Parkinson’s Disease. He drank very heavily, would mess himself and I was expected to clean him up. He would also “grope” me every chance he got. It was awful but I didn’t dare complain.

Another isolation tactic is the abuser moving with us to a new state, or place where we aren’t near our support systems. We might move to somewhere rural, remote, away from big cities or towns. When I was with my abuser, we were already in a remote small town so cutting me off was easy. I was already 4 states away from my family in Ohio. We had no phone, and this was long before cell phones, so I had no way to even call for help. His Uncle lived right next door, however. One night to avoid getting physically hurt, not long after moving in with him, I ran out of the house to his uncle’s place, banging on the door screaming for help. His daughter opened the door, and I begged her to let me in. I was terrified he would find me; I was completely panicked. From somewhere in the house, I heard his uncle tell his daughter to shut the door. She gave me a sympathetic look, then shut the door in my face. So needless to say, no help from them...or anyone.

They also might begin sabotaging us at work if we are allowed to work at all. They might begin calling us constantly at work, checking up on us. The constant calls might be noticed by our co-workers or our boss. If abusers want to really cause trouble, they might begin calling our boss, or co-workers directly, trying to get us fired by making things up about us. They might disable our car or torpedo any childcare arrangements. They might not leave us with money for public transportation. I wasn’t allowed to work; he didn’t work either. His father gave us money sometimes for food, or we had to literally go out and find our own food. There was one time someone my abuser knew hired us to clean up an old abandoned mobile home he bought. He was an older man, not married, wanting to clean up the mobile home to rent it out. The whole place was literally inches deep with mouse droppings and dead mice. It was awful but I worked really hard every day at it. This man also took the opportunity to grab and grope me at every opportunity. When I finally told my abuser about it, he said it was MY FAULT, he blamed me for it.

As we become more and more isolated, the violence gets worse. It doesn’t have to be physical. That’s still one of the biggest “myths” out there that many survivors believe. “They didn’t hit me, so it’s not abuse.” Emotional, verbal, mental, financial, sexual, and now digital abuse are just as damaging. There were times that I was experiencing such torture in all of these other ways, I often would wish to myself that he would just hit me and get it over with. He would keep me up for days at a time, making me sit with him while he drank, and listened to his music. He would get so drunk, he would forget who I was, thinking I was someone he picked up. He would berate me, yell, threaten, degrade me at every turn. It did get physical too. Closed fist hits to the head, slammed into walls, slammed down onto concrete, against tables and furniture. He liked to hold a loaded gun to my head, hitting me repeatedly on the head with the butt of the gun. When I would fall down, he’d kick me repeatedly everywhere. I still have trouble with my right knee after a really vicious kick. I thought he’d broken my leg at the time. He also had a big ol’ fluffy dog that he’d just gotten when we first met. I loved that dog so much; he was so sweet. My abuser knew how much I loved him. When he was feeling particularly cruel, in order to “teach me a lesson” he would beat the dog with a shovel, the kind you use to dig in the ground with, the shovel part being heavy steel. He made me watch… That was more horrible to me than being hurt myself. I would have endured anything to keep that from happening, and he knew it, used it, to keep me in line.

Abusers also do something called “gaslighting” and it can be a very affective method of control for them. It is a way to manipulate us and gain control. They make us question our own judgement, sanity, decisions, reality; everything about ourselves. They do this by making up lies and stories about things we say happened. They twist our view on things, saying that what we think happened, either didn’t happen the way we say it did, or didn’t even happen at all! They might minimize or be insensitive to our feelings saying things like “You’re crazy,” or “I was just joking” “Your being dramatic” or “you are making this all about you.” They can be a bit of a “know it all” and will keep driving their points and opinions home. They can also flat out deny events that we say happened. They justify their version of events, and they can completely override our memories of things with untrue statements and beliefs. They can continually interrupt us, challenging every thought we have. They know that keeping us confused and doubting ourselves, lacking confidence in ourselves just tightens that control they have over us. Then they use positive reinforcement-praising us for something they feel we did well- to throw us off even more. Again, we stop and question ourselves first. I mean they make sense, right? It must be us, there is that fundamental idea that something is wrong with us, it’s our fault. They love us and just have our best interests at heart, right?

We are also pulled along into their own personal drama. This can look like anything, from small issues to extreme situations! Abusers can often have a hugely overinflated sense of themselves, they are always right, no matter what. Even though they put up a false self or front to the world, they can challenge everybody, including the law. My abuser had been in and out of jail for several things over the years. He also had this type of vigilante view of justice which is why one night after just moving in with him, I found myself sitting in the passenger seat of my car while he was driving with a sawed-off shotgun across my lap. He was going to go “get” someone he believed had broken into his house, something over a drug deal gone wrong. Thank God this guy wasn’t home when we got there!

I’m going to share something that is an EXTREME example of getting pulled into drama. One morning, we were sleeping at the house, it was about 7 am. There was this giant house shaking bang! My first thought was that something had exploded, or that someone had hit our house with a car! Suddenly there were 3 guys in our bedroom with FBI jackets on, holding guns on us, screaming at us to get up! They ignored our repeated requests as to what was going on. They sat us in the living room and tore the house apart, going through absolutely everything. They showed us the warrant they had but there were no specifics. They kept asking us questions about where we’d been recently, had we been out of the state for any reason? After about 3 hours, they said they were transporting us to the county Sheriff’s Office for questioning. They put my abuser in a holding cell and sat me down at a desk. Finally, I got the details. Apparently two weeks prior, a cab driver said he was kidnapped at gun point by a man and a young woman in Washington, D.C. They made him drive to somewhere in Virginia. When he reported the incident to the police, he worked with an artist to create composite sketches of both people. When he was shown photos, he picked out my abuser’s picture and said he” thought it” was him. Then, somehow, they showed him a picture of me, and he said that “looked like” the young woman with him. The cab driver said that she seemed quiet and afraid. So, during questioning, the officers took turns being threatening, then sympathetic, saying “we know it was you, we know you both did this” to “You must have been afraid of him. We know he forced you, admit it and if you do, nothing will happen to you!” It wasn’t us of course, we hadn’t even left our town in weeks. They even walked me into a jail cell and told me horror stories of how awful and dangerous jail could be for someone like me. They knew my background, knew I’d never been in trouble with the law before, knew my parents were upper middle class, everything. The whole thing was just so surreal to me, I mean, how the hell did I end up here involved in this? Thus began a 4-month nightmare of my abuser being in jail, he was moved to Baltimore, and I had a lawyer who was located in Maryland. My mom came down and stayed with me, amazingly enough, driving me back and forth to my lawyer, and taking me to hearings for my abuser. Suddenly, out of the blue my abuser called me from jail. He said he was being released, and we were going to be cleared of all charges! Apparently, the police again showed the cab driver our photos and he immediately said “no, that’s not them!” So just like that, it was over... my abuser came home, and it was a weeklong, no sleep, constant party for him and his buddies…not for me of course. My mother left, went home. She asked me to come with her, but I knew that if I left, he would come after us, and I didn’t want anything to happen to her. So, I stayed. I literally ran for my life 5 different times, thinking I’d left for good. But I was always drawn back by him, his promises that he was getting help, and that he’d changed. His mother also lied saying the same kinds of things to get me to come back. She was sure I was the only person who could help him, and she told me this over and over. So, when SHE told me he was seeing someone and getting help and that he was different, I believed her. But I’d come back, and realize it was all just lies and manipulation. Things would be great…. for a while…then things would start up again, until I was right back in that awful and horrifying situation. Every time we leave and go back, the abuser makes it harder and harder for us to leave again. The average number of times it takes for someone to leave an abusive relationship is 7 times by the way. Don’t be a part of that statistic PLEASE! Leave, and stay gone!! Cut off all contact if you can! If you have children, it can be harder, but go through legal channels only. If they plead with you to see the kids, remember it really isn’t about the kids, it’s about getting to YOU! They will do and say exactly what they know you want to hear to get you back! No matter what they say or do, it will not change! THEY will NOT CHANGE! I can’t stress this enough! It’s like a war that they are determined to win at all costs, no matter who gets hurt, and it’ll be you and your children (if you have them) that will get hurt! This is an unwinnable war for you!

Over time, almost without knowing it, we are completely cut off, controlled, used, and abused. We doubt everything about ourselves right down to our sanity, and what’s real. We have no money, no way out, no escape. Our abusers might tell us over and over again that “we couldn’t make it without them” and “no one would want us” or that we should feel “lucky” that they put up with us. We have become completely deflated as human beings. With no self-confidence, no self-worth, no support, no safety, no escape, we live our lives constantly on that edge, just waiting for the next thing, the next blow up, the next time we get hurt. We know it’s coming, but we don’t know when, or how, or what shape it’ll take. We are kept constantly on guard. We do everything in our power to do things “perfectly” to do everything they want, how they want it, so we don’t give them any ammunition. But it doesn’t matter how hard we try, how “perfect” we are, look, or behave. They will find something, anything to find fault with. One time, I was literally beaten for stirring a pot of soup with the wrong spoon! No human being can ever, ever be perfect, it just doesn’t exist. Human beings are perfectly imperfect, and we all make mistakes, have flaws, but that’s okay, really! What no one ever deserves is to be with anyone who exploits us, or hurts us, uses us, or abuses us in any way! I have gone over some of the most common forms that an abusive relationship can take but it is by no means a complete list. There could be things you are experiencing and if it feels “wrong” to you in any way, please plan to get out as soon as possible!

When you are trying to leave an abusive relationship either on your own or with children, safety planning is crucial! Here are some things that you can do to help you get out safely. The overall plan is to be able to leave safely and quickly when you need to!

**** If you have children and it is age appropriate, discuss your safety plan with them. Think up a code word that they know and can remember easily. Teach them that if you say that word to them, they need to either run out of the house to a neighbor or know that this signals that you will all be leaving. Teach them how to call 911. Have them memorize your address and phone number to be able to give it to a dispatcher if needed.

1.) Begin to put away important documents and information you will need to take with you. This could be social security cards, ID cards, driver’s licenses, visas, passports, birth certificates (for you and your children) immunization records, medical records, any important personal documentation you might need. Put all of the necessary information in a bag or backpack, something you can grab and go with in an emergency. Place it somewhere your abuser won’t find it! Pack a couple of days’ worth of clothes for you and your children as well.

2.) Get refills of any medications you or your children need and hide them in your grab and go bag.

3.) Plan for a place to go. This could be a friend, family member, or a domestic violence shelter near you. Make sure you have all of the numbers you need. Also make sure you have your local domestic violence shelter hotline or crisis line in your phone so you can call immediately if you need shelter. Call ahead and talk to an advocate about their procedure for shelter admitting.

4.) Digital safety is also important! Remember, your abuser can track your online browsing history, so be sure to clear your browser after every computer search. For example, if you use Google as your browser, go to your search history in my activity. You can choose the search history you want to delete. In most browsers, you can go into settings and delete your browsing history there. This goes for your cell phone as well. A good idea is to have a back up cell phone hidden where you can get to it easily in an emergency. It could just be a cheap phone, something you can use to call your emergency numbers, or 911 if your abuser takes your main phone.

5.) If you have a car, keep it full of gas. Make an extra set of car/house keys accessible only to you, hidden, in case your abuser takes your keys. If they disable your car in order to keep you from leaving, call 911 immediately!

6.) If you can, begin to put money aside in a bank account only you have access to.

Believe me when I tell you that Intimate Partner Violence is an equal opportunity “employer!” It doesn’t matter what your background is, your education level, how much money you have, what race you are, nothing! Anyone from any and all walks of life can find themselves in this situation. When we meet someone, and we fall in love we all want it to work out. We want it to be that “thing” we are looking for; whatever it is we feel we need from a romantic partner. For those of us with a trauma history, we’re looking to fill up all those holes our experiences left us with! Many of us can have this ideal built up in our minds. We fall in love with the IDEA of being in love, and we can often miss or dismiss things that tell us things aren’t right, that gut feeling that warns us. That inner voice is telling you the truth, listen to it, trust it! There is hope and help available, please reach out! Again, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 so you can plan to leave an abusive relationship safely and to get other resources. If you are in a situation where you feel you are in immediate danger, please call 911!

Whew, deep breath, that was a lot! Thank you for sticking with me during such a hard and awful subject!

So, this is where I like to close us out with a new exercise that we can add to that “mindfulness” toolbox we’re building together! Remember, you don’t have to do this now, or at all if you don’t want to, but you might just listen and tuck it away in your mind for future reference.

We always start with our mindful belly breathing. Breathe slowly in through your nose, your belly naturally pushing out as you inhale, to a count of 5. Hold your breath for a count of 1. Then slowly exhale out of your mouth, your belly should naturally move in as you exhale, to a count of 5. Do this five times.

I want to do an easy exercise that supports us in feeling safe. This is a mindfulness visualization exercise that can be easy to do. Continue with your mindful belly breathing.

You can do this with your eyes open or closed, it’s up to you. If your eyes are open, have them rest on something gently, maybe something that isn’t a “busy” spot. Maybe a blank spot on a wall, or a door. Think of a time where you felt like you were your “best” self, the most calm and safe. Where were you? Picture where you are in your mind, hold that image. If you can’t bring to mind a safe place or moment from your life, create a safe space for yourself now. It can be anywhere in the world, or anywhere you can imagine, as long as it feels safe to you. Continue breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your mouth. When you identify that safe place, look around you, what do you see? Casually explore your safe space, picture yourself looking around, or even walking around.

Is there a person there with you, someone who makes you feel safe? If so, invite them to explore with you. If not, continue to explore your safe space on your own, being completely at ease, calmly noticing what is around you. Continue slowly breathing.

Notice anywhere in your body that feels tense, where is this feeling located in your body? Wherever it is, place your hands gently on that area. If this is an overall feeling of tension that you notice, you could just place your hands on your heart. Continue holding the image of your safe place in your mind. If you are through exploring, you could imagine a nice place to sit and rest. Feel the safety, calm, and peace of that space. Continue breathing slowly. You can stay this way for as long or as short a time as you wish.

When you are ready, bring your awareness back to your breathing. If your eyes are closed, open them when you are ready. How do you feel? Do you notice any lessening of your tension? Do you feel calmer, more grounded, and relaxed?

I hope these exercises are something you found helpful, and it’s more tools to add to our “mindful” toolbox that we’re building together. Whenever you need to go to that toolbox and pull out any skill we’ve learned in order to feel more grounded, safe, and connected, do it!! I have created a list of all of the techniques and exercises we’ve learned on my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com and will add to it as we go along. I’ve also put each exercise to beautiful video and music on my YouTube Channel Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma! Please subscribe if you like what you see and hear!

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen today, and please keep on listening! Wherever you listen, please like, subscribe, favorite, and follow me! What you think really matters to me too, so comment on the show, what you think, whatever’s on your mind. You can find me on Facebook at Invisible Wounds: Healing from Trauma, Twitter at Kerriwalker58, and my website invisiblewoundshealingfromtrauma.com.

Look for my new episodes dropping every Monday on all of your favorite podcast, music, and listening apps! Please take extra good care of yourself, and we’ll talk soon!